Friday, January 30, 2009

Official: House Republicans Know ZERO About Economy

It's finally official - we, as the voting populace of these United States - can officially stop listening to Republicans when they speak about ANYTHING having to do with the economy.

You may ask, "But Carl, with Obama's election, aren't we supposed to be ushering in a new era of bipartisanship, openness, and general awesome?" The answer, of course, is yes. The only problem is that the half wit Republican bag of dicks in the House have in no way gotten the message.

First, John "Boner" Boehner and his ass sniffing whip Eric Cantor go on television to defend their fight against the stimulus package citing a CBO report which, you guessed it, DOES NOT EXIST. This bullshit made up report is then cited by the phenomenally useless national media over 80 times in less than a week.

These cockflops then stand up in the House, and unanimously vote against the stimulus package, and are thrilled with themselves for doing so.

America Blog found these little tid bits around the internets:

From the NY Times:

Republicans profess to be unconcerned. House Republicans on Thursday headed off to a retreat at The Homestead, a Virginia resort, still celebrating their unanimous stand — despite Mr. Obama’s visit to the Capitol to seek their support — against a package that in their view has too much big-government spending and too few tax cuts. Their unsuccessful substitute was entirely of tax cuts.

From The Hill:

House Republicans still elated from their unanimous vote againt the Democratic stimulus package think they will be able to work with President Obama on future bills despite the partisan vote.

From WaPo:

The bill passed easily despite the opposition of all 177 Republican House members, but party leaders delighted in what they considered a victory after two straight electoral drubbings and much soul-searching about what the party stands for.

The fuckers are literally celebrating doing nothing. What is utterly astounding here is that President Obama went into it with open arms and open ears - he dropped the contraceptives funding (even though preventing unwanted pregnancies and/or STDs would undoubtedly SAVE PEOPLE LOTS OF MONEY), he added in tax cuts and he even invited those fuckbags over to the White House for cocktails.

And do you know what their response was? It was to vote UNANIMOUSLY in favor of DOING NOTHING, then present their own bill which ALSO DOES NOTHING FOR 26 MILLION AMERICANS.

Here's a statement from Dem Ways and Means spokesperson Matthew Beck:

In 2008, 4.2 million Americans had to pay the Alternative Minimum Tax (AMT). The Republican proposal would lower marginal tax rates for individuals, but would not reduce AMT rates. Current law requires you to pay the greater of the two rates, so many of those receiving this lower marginal rate would now be held liable for the AMT.

There is no question that Congress needs to — and will — act to prevent the number of taxpayers hit by the AMT from growing to an estimated 26 million this year. However, we confirmed with the non-partisan Joint Committee on Taxation that 26 million people would still be forced to pay the AMT this year under the GOP bill. Essentially, their tax bill would give with one hand and take away with the other, leaving 26 million families without the tax cut they promised in their bill.

So when I say that these House Republican brainless shit eaters voted to DO NOTHING, it's not just a clever way of framing a vote, it is an actual fact.

Now the bill is on to the Senate where I'm sure Mitch McConnell will try his best to keep pissing all over low income Americans, and Harry Reid will get steamrolled as usual because he has the testicular fortitude of a eunuch.

Either way folks, it's official - when a Republican talks about the economy, you can tell him to shut his lying shit filled trap and to take his CBO report and shove it up his crapping-all-over-the-poor ass.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Economy Sucks, Unlike Art

I was just in my car, listening to NPR, and some guy who's some economic something-or-other was just blabbing on about our 2 trillion dollar debt and Obama's economic stimulus package blah blah and what a mess our whole world is in. Honestly, I'd have listened better, and would therefore have better facts to present to you at this time, but my mental stability can't take it anymore, and I was only half-listening. Fine, I agree, everything sucks, unemployment is skyrocketing, we're killing our planet while simultaneously slaughtering our future financial stability as we attempt to shovel ourselves out of the shithouse that is our economy. Fine. That sucks. But I can't hear any more of it. I can't hear any more professionals nodding and twittering, "Yes, yes, we're all so depressed, it's hopeless, we've really done it this time, everybody is just shit personified." Fine! It sucks!

Keeping my feelings on this subject in mind, let's investigate what happened next.

So, when the NPR-interviewee-man started talking about how the economic stimulus package was getting all these other issues tacked onto it, which was slowing it down and cluttering its success rate, the female interviewer asked him for an example. And he said, "Well, for instance, the arts." You could hear the surprise in her voice when she asked him to explain why arts funding was not a worthy appropriation for the money being doled out. And he replied that sending money to arts organizations was useless. He literally asked, rhetorically, how anyone could think building a sculpture or going to the opera would stimulate the economy?

Now, let's remember, I came into this interview midway. I was not there. I was not totally listening for most of it. But goddamn it if that jackass is going to be interviewed on NPR and I have to listen to it. The arts are always the first freaking thing to be blamed and shat on. It was always the first department cut when the school board needed more money for the football team. Can't afford math books? Cut the band program. Reading music is a waste of time. And clearly, there are no jobs in the arts. I'm sure the Metropolitan Opera stimulates no one. Certainly, if it wasn't around, the singers, conductors, musicians, stage hands, supernumeraries, ticket sellers, lighting and sound technicians, costumers, stage managers, stewards, janitors, food and beverage vendors, printing suppliers, wig makers, makeup artists, florists, and administration wouldn't care. Oh sorry, you misinterpreted how I used the word "stimulate?" Sure, I'm sure none of the audience members would care either. I'm sure no one ever really gets anything out of the opera anyway. Antique, artsy crap, if you ask me. And everyone's so fat. We have a problem with obesity too in this country, you know.

I think what pisses me off is the epic proportions of disregard for the arts. A hundred years ago, theaters were second to brothels. If only we'd stop dicking around and get real jobs. Like banking. Or digging ditches. Or as financial advisors.

My only comfort is the truth that, try as the world might to ignore and suffocate the entire existence of the arts, artists are cockroaches. You could nuke the whole goddamn country, and who would be left? Poets. We're used to feeding on scraps and sleeping in corners. We'll survive you all.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Rep. John Boehner Confused by Sex and Economy

After a meeting with President Obama over the proposed $825 billion stimulus package, House Republicans greeted reporters with skepticism with House Minority Leader John Boehner saying:

"You know, I'm concerned about the size of the package, and I'm concerned about some of the spending that's in there. How you can spend hundreds of millions of dollars on contraceptives, how does that stimulate the economy?"

Barring the fact that a guy named Boehner is questioning the size of a package and it's ability to stimulate in the same quote, the unfortunately named House Minority Leader is demonstrating his utter lack of understanding of how the economy works.

Allow me to explain.

If contraceptives are made more available and cheaper, Americans will have more sex (example: as cell phones became cheaper and more available, more Americans began using them). However, to have sex, certain things must happen first. Because I possess a wiener, I will speak from that vantage point. First, I would have to ask a girl out on a date. This would require me taking her to dinner, leaving a huge tip for the waiter to show off how awesome I am to my date, taking her to a movie, and maybe finishing up with a drink at a bar. We would then, hopefully, get down to business Animal Style.

This budding romance would then, hopefully, blossom into full fledged relationship, requiring more evenings on dates, presents at birthdays and holidays, new shirt for me so I stop looking like a bum, and in the natural course of the relationship, the general spending of more money.

Hence, my want of sex due to increased access to contraceptives, would indeed stimulate the economy, if nothing less, my wang and her HooHa (hopefully).

As you can see, John Boehner clearly has no idea how the economy works and is breathtakingly unaware of the old, simple adage, "Sex sells."

And for posterity, here's a picture of Mr. Boehner crying his eyes out (obviously because he's not getting any):