Monday, December 15, 2008

PianoFight in SF SketchFest - Comedy Awesome in Jan

PianoFight is proud to announce that we have been invited to perform in the San Francisco Sketch Comedy Festival. We will be comedying it up on two nights, Friday January 23 and Saturday January 31 at 10:30 at the Dark Room theater alongside Elephant Larry, 3 Actorteers, Things We Made and The Freeze.

So in honor of this honor, we finally put out video from the PianoFight's first SHIT Show and here they are. Please feel free to forward them to every person you've ever met and talk about how awesome we are to everyone who will or will not listen. Thanks for all the support, we hope to see you at SketchFest, have a great holiday and enjoy the videos ...

Dude's Live Assembly




Dennis the Menace to Society




Freestyle Wedding Singer

Friday, December 5, 2008

Teddy Bears, Crazy Laws, Push Ups, TV, and Drunk MPs

It's Friday, which means that it's time for a recap of the weirdest shit that happened this week - let's go!

1) To get kids interested in science, a British university asked four grade schools to design space suits for teddy bears then blasted those bears into space to see which one worked best.

If you really want to get kids excited about science, lie to them. And/or tell them science wrote Harry Potter.



2) British member of parliament Chris Huhne accused the Liberal government of passing ridiculous laws since 1997 including laws against "disturbing a pack of eggs," "causing a nuclear explosion," "selling game killed on a Sunday," and "impersonating a member of parliament."

Huhne was then promptly arrested for impersonating a responsible member of government.



3) Washington DC passed a law allowing bars and restaurants to stay open 24-hours and serve alcohol until 5:00am during Barack Obama's presidential inauguration.

Finally, change I can believe in.



4) A British teacher was suspended from his job after it was revealed that he had been forcing students to do push ups as punishment for being late.

The teacher thought this was a great punishment, until one of those students became strong enough to whip his monkey ass for being punished.



5) A German study found that people who are abnormally into watching shows like "House" and "ER" are also more likely to be afraid of hospitals.

The German study also showed that people who watch abnormally long hours of shows like "House" and "ER" have abnormally shitty lives. The German study also revealed that German researchers have crappy jobs.


(except for this guy, he clearly has an awesome job)

6) A call went out in New South Wales, Australia to have members of parliament breath-tested for alcohol before being allowed to vote. The idea came up after one MP resigned for shoving a female MP, and another MP danced on his desk in his underwear.

This all leads to a more fundamentally pressing issue ... Australians are fucking nuts.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Smart Girls Have More Fun

A blog I frequent turned me onto this awesome new show created by SNL's Amy Poehler. "Smart Girls at the Party" is a digital TV series powered by ON Networks, which basically celebrates young, smart and passionate girls just being themselves. The show itself is great. Lighthearted, straightforward with a significant message. But the fact that it is a web series made me think... Would this ever work on TV? We probably wouldn't get the opportunity to produce such a show that lacks the frills or stereotypical messages of mainstream culture, if it weren't for the internet. Basically anyone can produce their own stuff and put it online and call it a show- hell, even us. You can create and share your own work cheaply and quickly. Only problem is, with the gazillions on the internet and the fact that pretty much anyone can post their own stuff- how do you get people to notice YOURS? Does Amy Poehler's show mean anything online? Or, because she's of SNL fame, people will watch? Are the successes of Internet shows more genuine because they pretty much spread word-of-mouth, and therefore are more valuable? Maybe so. I mean, I just made anyone who is reading this blog watch the show. And the blog before me who posted it made me watch it and I'm thankful for that. enjoy.

Monday, November 24, 2008

A Personal Note to Strange Women

Maybe I have some kind of disease. Some yet to be chronicled affliction that in reality, lots of people have, but nobody knows because it's never been diagnosed.

Then again, I probably don't. However I still don't understand it. Women kill me. And I mean, they kill me. Like the other night, it was late, I was walking home from some fucking thing I'd been working on, a meeting or a script or a website or something annoying, and crossing a street this woman turned up the same street about 20 feet in front of me.

I couldn't see her face, but she was dressed professionally (not whore professionally, like business professionally) but in a stylish manner; heels, a peacoat, long skirt, nice hair. Anyway, she stays walking in front of me, and as she gets to the top of the hill, end of the block, she stops and leans against a lamp post. As I'm getting closer to her, using only her foot, she removes one shoe and starts sort of massaging her leg with her foot. I think her feet hurt. Or her legs.

Anyway, it was amazing, but I don't really know why. As usual, I didn't say anything, or even look at her as I went by (I always feel weird about that, especially at night, maybe because I don't want whichever woman I want to look at but inevitably don't to think I'm some sort of predator or weirdo or something, even though, I probably am a bit of a weirdo), I just walked by, didn't say anything or even sneak look, then thought about her and her sore feet for the next three days.

The problem is though, this doesn't just happen intermittently. Like once a month, or even once a week for that matter, I could deal with. But that's not the case. A woman kills me basically every time I go outside. Every time one passes by. Every time one smiles or flips her hair or hangs up her phone or does her laundry or stirs her coffee or waits to cross the street. It's all killer. They're all killer. It really is a terrible disease.



I think the worst thing about it is that somewhere in the back of my mind I know that every time I see some woman do something small and sexy and I think it's the greatest thing on earth, I know that it's probably not. Not that it's NOT sexy, because it inherently is, that's not what I mean. What I mean is that because the woman's a stranger, I can imagine her to be anyone I want. So when she does something like bite her nail before answering her cell phone, I can imagine she's some great lady with brains and a sense of humor who's a great kisser and loves shitty movies and debates current events at dinner with her friends and happens to be nervous about answering some important call on her cell. The problem is that in the back of my mind, I always suspect that she's not any of those things, and that she and I wouldn't get along too hot or she doesn't know who Sarah Palin is or she's got some terrible laugh or she hates baseball.

And that makes it worse in the sense that even though I know she's probably not the fantasy I've just whipped up in my brain, I still imagine it and think whatever she's doing is the sexiest thing ever and I fall in mini-love 87 times a day just walking around the city. That's a lot of falling when you think about it.

But what can I do about it? Obviously I can't just stop falling in love every 6 seconds. If I could control that I wouldn't have this undiagnosed disease. Maybe I could just look at the pavement when I walk around. You know? Never look up or make eye contact or watch my surroundings or something like that. But if I did that I'd probably get hit by a bus. Then there are other dangers like low hanging tree branches or some other stupid obstruction I would likely whack my head on or trip over or bump into accidentally. So that pavement thing probably won't work.

I could try to just stop imagining how awesome she'd be if we were dating or screwing or whatever. But for some reason I don't think that's going to work either. Have you ever tried to stop yourself from imagining something once you're already heading down the path to imaginationland? It's frickin impossible. It's like, "Hey, wouldn't being a big shot playboy billionaire be totally awesome? Quick don't imagine it!" It's impossible. So that option's out too I guess.

I think my only real option is to diagnose myself and live with it. Which is difficult considering I can't even really tell when I have a cold. This can't just be me who walks around like this. I should probably try naming it for all the other people who have it too. Something like Fantastasia mitosis. That sucks. I can't name this. All I know is that I have a horrible and debilitating disease which causes me to fantasize about total strangers all the time. Yeah, I am definitely a bit of a weirdo.

Maybe women could just stop doing those things. I mean, I know I'm asking a lot here, and asking it of a lot, well, all women. But seriously, could you just think about us lonely daydreaming losers for a minute before you go out and sneeze cutely? Is that too much to ask? Probably it is. Shit. Well, women, if you could just cut down on that crap I'd really appreciate it.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

AIG Rapes Taxpayers Again, Gov. Feigns Anger

For a long time, I have believed that abhorrent fuck ups of government were simple due to bureaucrats gross incompetence. How naive. I realize now that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with incompetence (I mean honestly, even Bush isn't a flagrant moron, rather he's flagrantly wrong), and it has EVERYTHING to do with fucking the taxpayer in the ass.

Go ahead and have a watch of this video:



That's right, nary a month after the government steps in to bail out these thankless assholes, and less than a few weeks after these ungrateful dicks got busted blowing taxpayer cash on a spa retreat to SoCal, AIG is trying ever so quietly to keep from being busted AGAIN for blowing hundreds of thousands of dollars at another posh hotel pampering its failing salesman.

Here's AIG's lying sleazeball fuck of a CEO Edward Liddy:



That's right, Liddy's trying to spin the fact that there were no signs listing AIG at the events because his company is "tightening [their] belts".

Um, bullshit. And, fuck you.

Now you may be wondering how on earth AIG can pull audacious shit like this and get away with it. Didn't the government impose restrictions on this type of rampant pissing away of money? Didn't the government assign some person or regulatory body to oversee how these craptastic douchecocks are spending our money?

The answers: nope and nope.

And here's the icing: you know how I know the government didn't assign anyone to regulate these lying fucks? Because the government just fucking admitted it.

From AFP:

"The independent oversight posts set up by Congress to prevent corruption and government waste remain vacant, and the deadline has passed for the first monitoring report required by the legislators."


This is not gross incompetence. This is thievery. This is criminal. And what's worse, is that it's being perpetrated by some of the most powerful men on the planet.

God help us.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

PROPs to Keith

As we rejoice that our country was smart enough to vote for Obama, we mourn the loss of a very important right with the passing of Prop 8 and that our state was dumb enough to vote for it. In his "Special Comment" last night, Keith Olbermann explains rationally and thoughtfully why PROP 8 is so wrong. Go Keith.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Rock-a-bye Baby

Take a moment out of this crazy day in politics (we probably wont find out until late tonight, or tomorrow morning anyway) and listen to the hottest new thing in music- Harlequin Baby!

Currently based out of Santa Cruz, CA these hip young kids will give you something to think about... or just dance about. They have their first gig in January. But if you can't make that I'm sure they will be traveling the extra hour north to show SF what they've got.
IM THE LEAD SINGERListen Now @ www.myspace.com/harlequinbabyz (my personal fave is Mommy's Drunk)

I had a dream last night...


I realize this is a common affliction so I've never put too much thought into it until this morning, but I never remember my dreams.  Sometimes I remember having had dreams throughout the night but I can never remember specifically or with any detail what those dreams were about.  I've woken up in a cold sweat after having had a particularly bad nightmare and I've even woken up in tears after a particularly sad dream but usually after I'm actually awake I can't remember any of the details about what happened in them.  No so last night.

Allow me to share my dream with you.  It begins with me frantically running around my house donned in hundreds of campaign buttons pinned to my clothes.  Strewn about my house are hundreds of picket signs all stacked neatly against the walls.  I can hear the sounds of  thousands of what I think are protesters outside in the streets.  The harmony of what sounds like protest chants fill the air and I can feel the rhythmic thud of thousands of feet beating the street like a heartbeat.  I can't really make out what they are saying but I still chant along humming the tune like you do when you don't know the words to the song.  "Hmm, hmm, yea, hmm, hmm, yea, we won't ever, hmm, hmm, yea"!   My body is on fire with excitement and all I have to do is pick the right picket sign with the right slogan, and open my front door and join in the festivities.  I look for the appropriate protest sign with which to march but they are all facing the wall.  I turn the first one around and it's blank.  I turn another one around and it's blank too.  What the fuck?  I turn around the rest of them and they are all blank.   I'm confused but this doesn't deter me though because the chanting is still going on outside my door and the adrenalin is still rushing through my body.  I figure that I can borrow a really cool picket sign from someone on the street after I get out there.  I was almost ready but before I hit the door I ran over to the full length mirror to see if all of my buttons were on straight only to be shocked again.  All of the buttons I had pinned to me were blank too and not only that, the chants that were almost deafening right outside my door only moments earlier were starting to fade into the distance.  Now, I'm a little freaked out but still undaunted and eager to join the crowd, I dash to the door, swing it open and...nothing!  Not a single soul to be found and the silence was like I was in a vacuum.  I look up and down the street to find the crowd of protesters and see no one.  I frantically run to the top of my street, look both ways and still see no one or hear anything.  Where did everyone go?  Where were the protest chants that beckoned me?  Where were the thuds of thousands of feet pounding in time with my heartbeat?  I was completely alone standing in the middle of the street.  

Now, I know this sounds like the beginning of one of those zombie nightmares where all of a sudden creepy dead people start coming out of the gutters and digging themselves out from their graves but it was nothing like that.  It was just quiet.  I looked around again and at the end of one of the streets I see our town's City Hall with a huge American Flag majestically waving in the wind atop the old building.   As you can imagine I slowly start to walk toward City Hall and when I finally get there I can see that one of the two huge front doors is open an on the other door is a sign with an arrow on it pointing inside.  As I enter City Hall I can now see a flight of white marble stairs and at the top of those stairs, illuminated by what seems to be the light of the heavens is a single voting booth.  I walk up the stairs to the booth and of course, you guessed it, there was a ballot and a pencil waiting for me when I got there.  I don't remember seeing anyone's name on the ballot or any measures for that matter.  All I remember was standing at the booth with pencil in hand and then all of a sudden I'm back at the bottom of the staircase looking out the front door.  I can hear people outside now.  It was the same chanting I had heard before.  I could feel the thud of a thousand feet and feel the collective heartbeat of an army of protesters.  Reinvigorated, I run to the doors of City Hall, swing them open, anticipating a 60's style, old fashioned, Berkeley protest but am stopped in my tracks at what I see.  Instead of an angry mob of protesters holding picket signs and yelling at the top of their lungs, I see a huge row of fold out tables set end to end running down the middle of the street as far as the eye could see.  The tables were covered with red, white, and blue table cloths and decorated with miniature American flags.  The entire community was sitting around the tables laughing and joking and eating barbecue ribs and corn on the cob and drinking National Bohemian from red plastic cups.  The sound of Ray Charles singing his unique rendition of "America the Beautiful" was being  piped through speakers mounted atop the street lights.  It was the great American small town scene, a sight to behold.  Strung from one street lamp to another was a banner that read: "HOPE RESTORED".

I suddenly awoke from my dream feeling as rested and invigorated as I've ever felt in my life.  I washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on some clothes, and walked down to City Hall with my beautiful girlfriend and cast my vote for Barack Obama.  GOD BLESS AMERICA! 
 

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Feeling Dirty Right About Now

Oh my. Oh dear. Oh, oh dear.

Sarah Palin Pranked by Faux Sarkozy

Wowie wow wow.

In other, wholly unrelated-to-the-current-general-election news, today comes the revelatory information that they are making "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" by Tucker Max into A MOVIE. Dear lord! I almost think I can't go see this. Somewhere in me, in some deep part of my soul, the innate and total wrongness of Tucker Max really bothers me. I mean, it's horrible. This guy is degrading, and an asshole, and self-absorbed, and hilarious, but yes, it's true, he's just that funny.

If you don't believe me, please read the Sushi Pants story.

Or, sweet heavens forgive me, the Midget Story.

Or, oh God, please please say this is fiction: the infamous Buttsex debacle.

Okay. That's it. I can't write anymore on this topic. Please don't tell my mom I read this stuff.

Friday, October 31, 2008

PianoFight Presents: The Package



PianoFight's stated goal upon creation of the company was simple: New Work, by New Artists. Period.

After just over a year of new plays, a webisode series, a website, a blog, and a short film, PianoFight is proud to announce that we are now in the business of producing music.

Our first foray into the field is with The Package's first track off what will hopefully become a full length album "Durability" - a hip hop, funk, soul, R&B and melodic masterpiece of awesome.

The Package will be playing this Saturday night, Nov. 1, at PianoFight's theater in San Francisco, in Hyper Raje Racords' Halloween Party, alongside such awesome bands as Kenyo, Unisis, and High Like Five. Check out www.HyperRajeRecords.com for more details.

Palin: Media Criticism Threatens First Amendment

There are many, many things in this world that I do not understand. Physics - no fuckin clue. Women - I've tried, and continue to try, but really, I have no idea. Dip N Dots - how the fuck do they make those tiny balls of ice cream so delicious?

However, and this question has been nagging at me for some time now as it's something I simply cannot wrap my head around: How is it possible, that in the greatest country on the planet, one of the four people campaigning for the highest offices in the land does not have a BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF THIS NATION'S CONSTITUTION?

I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. In an interview in Washington DC on Friday morning, Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin said this:

Palin: "If [the media] convince enough voters that that is negative campaigning, for me to call Barack Obama out on his associations, then I don't know what the future of our country would be in terms of First Amendment rights and our ability to ask questions without fear of attacks by the mainstream media."


In case you didn't rip your keyboard off your desk out of sheer rage and try to decapitate whoever happened to be sitting next to you, here is the actual First Amendment, word for word:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."


I thought Ms. Palin having NO IDEA as to the role of the vice president was low, but this latest bit is an entirely new level of stupid. In one grammar mangling sentence, she has proposed that one aspect of the First Amendment is actually infringing on another. She's actually saying that she has a constitutionally protected right to spew her batshit moronic drivel, but that the press should have NO RIGHT WHAT SO EVER to call her on said absurdly stupid verbal vomit.

As I said above, there are many, many things in this world I do not understand. And right now, the one that I am grappling with, is how on earth someone who has consistently shown a penchant for lying and abusing her power, demonstrates a profound disregard for the basic rules of grammar, is apparently completely unable to answer simple and straight forward questions (EXAMPLE: Q: "Which newspapers do you read?" - A: "All of 'em."), an who has NO IDEA what she would be doing in the job she seeks to hold, can seriously be considered by ANYONE as a candidate for the second highest office in the land.

Also, I am baffled by sudoku.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

CNN's Rick Sanchez is a Ball Busting Ass Kicker

In you missed it, I am not usually a fan of pundits/anchors/commentators at CNN named Sanchez. However, over the last few months, one specific Sanchez at CNN, Rick Sanchez, has stood out in terms of calling any and all fuckers for what they really are - lying douchecocks.

Here's the first example:



Goldfarb: "You know who it it."
Sanchez: "I have no idea. Who?"
Goldfarb: "You know."
Sanchez: "I really don't."
Goldfarb: "I think you do."
Sanchez: "I have no fucking clue who you're talking about and neither does anyone who's watching this program so if you would, please tell us who on God's green earth you're fucking referring to!"
Goldfarb: "... You know."

Fuck yeah Rick! Go get 'em buddy! Although I have taken giant dumps on CNN in the past (and will likely continue to do so), the Best Political Team on Television is just starting to catch a glimpse of what that title means.

It means calling people out when they are lying. When candidate X says "Dogs lick their own ass," and Candidate Y says "Dogs NEVER lick their own ass," it is not enough for the pundit to say "Well that's the argument, differing viewpoints here, but boy what a discussion!" The pundit needs to call out Candidate Y and say "No you fucking douchey little turd burgler, dogs are CONSTANTLY licking their own asses. I own two dogs, my parents have a dog, my best friend is veterinarian and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a freakin doubt that dogs FUCKING LOVE the taste of their own asses."

So, in closing, thank you Mr. Sanchez, for not totally sucking dog ass.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Vote for Fear '08


Everybody loves a good fight. (A good PianoFight, that's for sure! I'm hilarious.) I like to think I'm fighting the good fight, working for change and hoping for some truly necessary new leadership. I'm from Pennsylvania, though, where the "Good Fight" looks totally different depending on which side of Amishland you live on. In the east, there are democrats, raging for change, and in the west, there are cow fields and Penn State and some die-hard Republicans protecting the home and hearth from terrorism. Which could strike any moment in their cow fields.

Ah, that terrorism. So scary. Radical Islamists parachuting from the sky like dark, Godless aliens with nuclear warheads strapped to their chests, ready to lay waste to the American countryside. To be fair, I guess terrorists have dropped a plane before into a Pennsylvania field, which is not an easy thing to accept. I haven't. I'm terrified of planes. Of heights, and guns, and war, and a painful death. Poverty. Defunct health insurance. Cancer. That girl from "The Ring," too. There are plenty of things to be scared of in this world. And now we've got this big ol' election looming up next week, and what have we've got: a black man running against an old war hero with a lady sidekick who makes feminism comparable to...well, shit. (Seriously, have you ever been to a cow field? Her campaign is just like that.) Jesus Christ, everybody's scared!

Scared of Arab tendencies and illegal voting, dangerous acorns, or that bitch socialism: America is peeing in its collective pants. It's not just about abortion, or health care, or the economy, or the North Pole turning into a polar bear Slushee. We're scared of our neighbors, because they look different. (Still.) We're threatened by homosexuality, because we don't want our daughters being taught they can marry princesses if they want, or our sons getting AIDS and joining bands called "Queen." We're singularly proud of our democracy, especially when we get the chance to force it down foreignors throats, like a sort of reverse-regurgitated present. We want things to look like they did before, when we were children, and the United States still had a sort of gleaming honor about it. These days, we've grown into an awkward and ugly national adolescence, and we're kind of like the douchebag teenager huffing "Dust Off" in the bathroom and pretending we're not failing algebra. And, on top of it all, we've turned into a wicked little pyromaniac about to set the whole school on fire.

I'm sick of this terror shit. I'm tired of the fear-mongering, and the people who are still resistant to change out of cowardice. America is not always right, and our good fight is not always good. I don't doubt the ferocity of a voter who is passionate about the issues at hand, but I challenge the motives of a voter who is afraid. Don't vote for someone because he is- or isn't- black. Don't vote for a woman because she has boobs. (She is a cow field.) Don't be scared, and not do anything about it. That's lame. And it won't change anything. And isn't that what all this is about? Change?


"America this is quite serious.
America this is the impression I get from looking in the television set.
America is this correct?
I'd better get right down to the job.
It's true I don't want to join the Army or turn lathes in precision parts
factories, I'm nearsighted and psychopathic anyway.
America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel."

Allen Ginsberg, America

PS Happy Halloween!!!! Oooooh spooky!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

How to be 'That Guy' at a Metal Show

(This is actually an old post, but I'm going to Devil Driver tonight and figured what the hell)


I am not a huge metal fan. However, due to the fact that a number of my friends rock some hard tasty licks whenever possible, I have been exposed to the music, and the live shows are amazing. Really, if you've never been to a metal show, just go. The raw and pulsating energy is tangible in that setting. And once you're there, here are a few tips to being "That Guy" at a Metal Show . . .

Pre show: make sure you're dressed appropriately. Consider a friend of yours who loves metal, and ask yourself, how would he dress? If your answer was, baggy shorts, a black band t-shirt, converse, long unwashed hair, nose and lip rings, and a studded bracelet or two, you now know exactly what NOT to wear. Now imagine if one of your surfer buddies moves back east to become a fashion designer for Abercrombie&Fitch's new 'Surf Line' of clothing which they plan on marketing to underage girls in Norway. If this line of clothing existed, this is exactly what you should wear: bright colors, sandals, a funny hat and a big grin. Now you're ready for metal!

Now, if you have great friends like me, a ticket will be waiting for you at will call, courtesy of the band said great friend works for. While walking to the show, ahead on the sidewalk, you will see a line of die-hard metal fans waiting to get inside. They will undoubtedly be clad in the ominous clothing described above (NOTE: do not be afraid of someone just because he is wearing a black trench coat, this does not mean he is going 'Columbine' at the concert, though if you notice a lack of pant legs at the bottom of said trench coat, assume this man to be a flasher). As you walk by the long line of awaiting fans, pretend to talk on your cell phone, LOUDLY, about "Some metal show, no idea, never heard of the bands, but hey my ticket was free and I got a VIP pass," even if you didn't actually get it, and you've heard of all the bands (this will make everyone standing in line think you're a real swell guy!).

When you meet your friend outside the theater, it is in good form to take him for a quick drink before the show. I recommend the seediest most filth ridden bar of down trodden drunks you can find. For best metal watching mood enhancement, leave that bar blind stinking fall-down fuck you intoxicated.

Upon entering the show, stick close to your friend who actually has the VIP pass. This means he gets access to everywhere and, so long as you make sure everybody knows you are with him, by WILDLY GESTICULATING in his general direction, you should have no trouble going anywhere. If you get separated, not to worry, there is always a friendly face at the bar.

Chances are, after many trips to the 'friendly face', by this point you'll have to piss like a race horse. If, after urina-tron, as you are exiting the men's room, you notice a LINE OF DUDES WAITING TO WASH THEIR HANDS, exclaim loudly that you "Thought this was a METAL show, Jesus!" Then politely point out that they'll have to go down the hall to the LADIES room to buy TAMPONS.



If you still haven't gotten your ass kicked, chances are it's not going to happen. This means that you are now reasonably safe to enjoy the remainder of the show. After the show has ended, meet up with your buddy near the band buses, and when he invites you on to one, point, laugh, and throw up a limp wrested metal fingers at those waiting out in the cold to catch a glimpse of their favorite rock star (NOTE: watch for glass bottles or steel toed boots hurled in the direction of your face).

Upon entering the bus, graciously kiss everyone in the band's ass, AND anyone that might be in the band, cause really, you have no idea. Talk about positive things that everyone can agree on like the current election, or abortion, and ask for beer after beer after beer from the bands' stash. If a joint gets passed in your direction, park on it, smoke it silly, then pass it to someone who has to hand it back to the front man. If, for some reason, you have to pass it to the front man, bobble the hand off like an amateur. When the joint hits the floor, stomp it out to keep it from singeing the carpet. Also, be sure to take a huge dump in the bus toilet – BANDS LOVE THAT. And, if you can, start off conversation by espousing the musical merits of Amy Winehouse (NOTE: one front man totally beat me to it and immediately put on one of her songs).

If you can accomplish any or all of these feats, you are certainly on your way to being "That Guy" at a Metal Show.

* The band I got to see live and hang out with that night was awesome. I've met a few of them before, and they are all really great dudes, and unbelievably talented musicians. So, if for some reason, you happen to read this, thanks so much, and . . . Bruce Wayne is a fucking RockStar.

Monday, October 27, 2008

While Economies Crumble, Church Blows 100K on Pope's Brother

I am a big fan of the newswire. A constant influx of headlines beckoning potential readers with a catchy turn of phrase or startling revelation. So as I browsed the AFP wire today I ran across these two headlines a few pixels away from each other:

Spanish restaurant launches 'anti-crisis' lunch menu for one euro


and ...

100,000-euro birthday bash for pope's brother: report


So basically, as the entire world works feverishly to fend off a catastrophic financial meltdown of epic proportions, proof of which can already be seen in restaurants offering a 5 course meal for a single euro, a German diocese is throwing a 100,000 euro kegger for the pope's brother.

Brilliant.

This is the religious equivalent of AIG sending top earners on a $400,000 retreat the same week the government gives them $87 billion.

I'm not saying the Church is corrupt, I'm just saying that the 100K being spent on a fucking birthday party (to fly an entire choir in to Rome no less) might be better spent doing one of those very Christian things like, I don't know, HELPING THOSE LESS FORTUNATE IN A TIME OF EXTREME ECONOMIC HARDSHIP.

Can't wait to hear what El Poperino has to say about all this ...

W


I feel awful for saying this, but I kinda feel for the guy. Well, the guy portrayed by Josh Brolin in a movie about a president that is based on a true story about a president. Follow? After watching Oliver Stone’s latest, it’s hard to tell what his motive was. From the previews, and the rush to release it before the November election, I totally thought this would be a film made to make Bush look bad. To make his presidency look bad. Shameful. Awful. Instead, it humanized him in a way where you almost understand all of his inane actions and decisions. And feel for him. Ugh! Is that possible? A guy who only wanted his father’s approval and unconditional love. A guy who drowned his insecurities and pain in alcohol. A guy who was lost and couldn’t find his passion in the shadow of the name Bush and everything it carried. In the shadow of his brother, his father.

Brolin did an incredible job of capturing Bush’s facial expressions, voice inflections and mannerisms. For a film that could’ve easily been just one really, really long SNL skit, the acting, the storytelling style and directing made for an actual, quality dramatic film. I know there’s a lot of criticism for making it so early. That it should’ve been done in 10 or 15 years once the Bush presidency is long gone- not while he is literally still president. But that’s what makes this movie-going experience so fascinating. The line between art and life get very, very blurry. You get this fresh perspective. As you examine the character Dick Cheney (creepily played by Richard Dryfus) or the character Bush as they play out on the big screen, you aren’t thinking way back to a distorted memory, but rather what’s happening in the world now and how your life and the lives of millions of others have been directly affected by the choices of the real Cheney and real Bush.

But, regardless of the difference or closeness in the character W and the real W, Oliver Stone told a good story and made a great movie.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Dear Sarah Palin, Go Fucking Home

I am AMAZED by this woman. Palin was asked why she hasn't released her medical records:

Palin: "The medical records, so be it. If that will allow some curiosity seekers perhaps to have one more thing that they either check the box off that they can find something to criticize or to rest them assured over."


Go back and read that sentence again, and try to keep your brain from exiting your skull and slapping you in the face. It's not possible. I think this is the dumbest thing I have ever read.

The big problem with Palin isn't that she's stupid (which she is), or that she's corrupt (which she is), it's that she is FUCKING INSANE.



I'll make this simple. If someone bombs an abortion clinic, that person IS A FUCKING TERRORIST.

Here's the full exchange transcribed if you can get through it without ramming a fist through your monitor:

Brian Williams: Back to the notion of terrorists and terrorism, this word has come up in relation to Mr. Ayers -- hanging out with terrorist – domestic terrorists. It is said that it gives it a vaguely post uh 9-11 hint, using that word, that we don’t normally associate with domestic crimes. Are we changing the definition? Are the people who set fire to American cities during the ‘60’s terrorists, under this definition? Is an abortion clinic bomber a terrorist under the definition?

Sarah Palin: There is no question that Bill Ayers via his own admittance was um one who sought to destroy our US Capitol and our Pentagon -- that is a domestic terrorist. There’s no question there. Now others who would want to engage in harming innocent Americans or um facilities, that uh, it would be unacceptable -- I don’t know if you could use the word terrorist, but its unacceptable and it would not be condoned of course on our watch. I don’t know if what you are asking is if I regret referring to Bill Ayers as an unrepentant domestic terrorist. I don’t regret characterizing him as that.

Williams: I’m just asking what other categories you would put in there. Abortion clinic bombers? Protesters in cities where fires were started, Molotov cocktails, were thrown? People died.

Palin: I would put in that category of Bill Ayers anyone else who would seek to destroy our United States Capitol and our Pentagon and would seek to destroy innocent Americans.


Can someone please tell Mrs. Palin to GO. HOME.

NOTED: Funky Synth Train



















Some people have an aversion to electronic music, they feel it's inaccessible; Hadaway's "What is Love", C&C Music Factory and the Quad City DJ's has probably had something to do with this disillusionment. Not all electronic music however is as formulaic as MTV's the Grind's track list might indicate (remember that show?) Eero Johannes uses this medium to create imaginative funky synth rhythms. Come on this train...

Lipton Service Boy

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The S.H.I.T. Show Number II - Tonight



The Stop Hating Imagination Time Show
965 Mission St (between 5th and 6th)
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
8pm
$15 buy online
$20 at the door

(brown bags encouraged)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

FOX News Defends Palin's $150K Wardrobe

Here's a quick clip of FOX News defending the fact that since being picked to be John McCain's running mate, the Republican National Committee has purchased $150,000 worth of clothing for Sarah Palin.



Bimbo: "Here's my challenge: when we stop treating women as sexist figures, ok? That we all talk about what we have on, and what their shoes look like, and how their hair looks, but we don't say that about any male candidate, when we stop doing that, then we can stop talking about how much money they spent on her clothes."


Maybe Blondie doesn't know this, or can't wrap her fat dyed head around it, but the fact is, the reason people aren't talking about McCain's wardrobe cost, or Obama's, or Biden's, is because THEY PAID FOR IT THEMSELVES.

Classic turning the issue around here. It has nothing to do with her fashion, or how she looks, or that she's a woman, or her hair or shoes or dresses. People care because American's putting "Country First" donated to their party only to have their party turn around and BLOW THOSE DONATIONS ON PANT SUITS.

Barbie: "We don't hear that about the guys folks. So let me find out how much did Barack Obama spend on his custom suits?"


Well Paris, please let me explain. The reason you don't know how much Obama has spent on his clothing is because HE PAID FOR IT HIMSELF.

Here's a little non-FOX recap of the Palin spending spree:

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Anti-America vs. The Real America: A Detailed Chronology

As you may have guessed, I have watched this election rather closely since the spring of 2007. That's a year and a freakin half. And in that obscene length of campaign time, I have felt emotions ranging from joyous, to utter disgust, to just wanting the damn thing to be fucking over already.

This week brought an entirely new sensation.

It started when the dearest of all cute and cuddly Mavericky wive presidential candidates said this at a rally in North Carolina:

"We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, pro-America areas of this great nation."


Just in case you didn't know, I've included a map below to illustrate - the red parts are "pro-America":



She went on to say:

"This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans. Those who are running our factories and teaching our kids and growing our food and are fighting our wars for us. Those who are protecting us in uniform. Those who are protecting the virtues of freedom."


So a note to all you city dwellers: in no way, what so ever, do you protect the virtues of freedom AT ALL.

Angry yet? It gets worse.

Here's Minnesota Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann on Hardball:



That's right media, get off your elite liberal asses and start exposing these traitorous, treasonous, anti-American terrorists. TERROR!

But it's not over yet. Not even close.

Here's what McCain spokesperson Nancy Pfotenhauer had to say about voters in Virginia:

"As a proud resident of Oakton, Va., I can tell you that the Democrats have just come in from the District of Columbia and moved into northern Virginia," Pfotenhauer said on MSNBC. "And that's really what you see there. But the rest of the state, real Virginia, if you will, I think will be very responsive to Sen. McCain's message."


Cause ya know, northern Virginia, with all those DC blacks, is NOT real Virginia.

And finally (though I am SURE this line of attack is nowhere near finished), here's Republican North Carolina Rep. Robin Hayes warming up the crowd at a McCain rally:



That's right, if your liberal, you cannot fucking stand, no, wait even stronger, YOU FUCKING HATE real America.

I think Mr. Jon Stewart sums it up best:

Friday, October 17, 2008

Canada Names Yzerman Director of 2010 Team in Vancouver

Steve Yzerman was picked to become executive director of Canada's 2010 Olympic hockey team today, and they could not have picked a better guy. Stevie Y took the Red Wings to three titles and hopefully he can bring his homeland another gold medal in his country's most honored tradition. And in case I forgot to mention, the Games are in Vancouver.

So, in honor of this excellent pick, here's the gold medal game from Salt Lake City in 2002, Canada vs. USA:



Watch For:
- Lemieux sidestepping a pass which ends up in the net
- Sakic being awesome
- Canadians at the bar literally hiding their eyes and biting nails during the game
- Gretzky totally freaking out after the 4th and 5th goals
- A spontaneous rendition of "O Canada" as the clock runs out

Thursday, October 16, 2008

NOTED: Music Amidst These Hectic Times

A weekly music post from someone who probably listens to music way too fucking much.

If you need some music to relax to amid these hectic times check these guys out.

Fans of Mum, Sigur Ros, Explosions in the Sky, Tortoise, follow the link; anyone else be my guest...


Carved by Glaciers

Carter's Ghost Haunts Phillies

Remember this?



Sorry, but I had to post this. I think the last time I even thought about the Phillies was when this happened. And I'll be honest, I'm totally rooting for The Rays.

Somebody Go Find Hilary!

Where's Hilary Clinton when we need her? Wow, I never thought I'd say that but after following this election over the last two freekin' years and watching last nights presidential debate I noticed that some ideas were suspiciously missing. It's all too easy to critique what was said by the candidates and to analyze their body language but far too often we forget to look for what was NOT there.


I heard the candidates passionately debate the credentials of their healthcare policies and as I cringed at both of the proposals I remembered that there was once a proposed healthcare plan that I could get behind. UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE! What ever happened to this idea. How did that idea get yanked off the table and get replaced with the two absurd proposals we have to choose from now. I think an even better question is "where is Hilary"?


Now, I know her ass is still chapped over narrowly losing her party's endorsement for President but that doesn't mean that she still shouldn't fight for Universal Healthcare. Instead of being a sore loser I suggest that she continue her awesome crusade for healthcare for every American, particularly services for women, children, and preventative treatment programs. The problem with the two current proposals for healthcare change is that they both depend on tax rebates, credits, or employer incentives to foot the bill. Where the wheels fall off that wagon is when our economy is in the toilet and businesses start to close and the unemployment rate skyrockets, there wont be sufficient revenue to support the proposed system.

As it stands today, our country has it's highest unemployment rate since the Great Depression. What should scare you about that is that all those unemployed people will file for unemployment and receive state benefits which will invariable increase employers tax contributions to the system. Furthermore, unemployment benefits only last for 39 weeks so after the benefits run out, there will be a surge of unemployed workers who can't find jobs to pay into the healthcare tax scheme that Obama and McCain propose. In effect, all that gets accomplished with those two proposals is the continuation of a broken healthcare system where at it's core continues to reduce healthcare to a privilege rather than a right.


Hilary had it right, Healthcare is a right that should be afforded to all Americans. Of course taxes should be allocated to support a Universal Healthcare system but rather than having a complicated tax scheme to achieve this, rather a mandatory Universal Healthcare income tax structure similar to Social Security should be employed. Now, I know that Social Security has it's problems but it is still a right that Americans have come to depend on. Healthcare should also be a right that every American can depend on and should not be left out of the public debate because it's biggest proponent is a sore loser. Come on back Hilary and finish the job!

That's What She Said ...

AFP/Emmanuel Dunand


Lizard King John McCain sees a gay baby he wishes to eat.

Got a quote? Something else going on here? Leave a comment ...

All You Need to Know About McCain's Health Care Plan

I was shocked both when I heard McCain say this, and when Obama neglected to fucking pounce on it:

McCain: "The average cost of a health care insurance plan in America today is $5,800."


Obama just said the average plan was $12,000, liberal numbers I guess ...

McCain: "I'm going to give them $5,000 to take with them wherever they want to go, and this will give them affordability."


Beyond the fact that average cost of a health care plan is probably somewhere between the two candidates' numbers, let's just say for moment, that McCain's estimate of $5,800 is correct.

He's only going to give you $5,000. That's it. "What's the average cost? Perfect, let's give them less."

Unbelievable. And before I forget, he's also going to tax your employer $12,000 to insure you.

Elect McCain: He'll Make You Sick.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Depraved Indifference

To constitute depraved indifference, a group or individual person's conduct must be so wanton, so deficient in a moral sense of concern, so lacking in regard for the life or lives of others, and so blameworthy as to warrant the same criminal liability as that which the law imposes upon a person who intentionally causes a crime. Depraved indifference focuses on the risk created by the group or individual person's conduct, not the injuries actually resulting.

That's right, I'm speaking to "those people" of the Republican party and supporters of John McCain who, amidst the ugliest and most dishonest campaign for the American Presidency in history, choose to keep their hearts and mouths shut regarding the blatant misrepresentation, false accusations, fear mongering, and out and out lies perpetrated by their candidate.

Let's call a spade a spade here. John McCain is a racist. That's right, I said it and I'll say it again. John McCain is a racist. For a man of 72 who has been a witness to and lived through the Jim Crow era and the Civil Rights Movement, he shows an utter lack of sensitivity, understanding, and respect for his opponent and fellow Senate peer.

But the brunt of my ire is not directed toward John McRacist but rather to those who choose to turn a blind eye to his despicable tactics in order to win. You mutherfuckers (you don't mind if I call you mutherfuckers do you?) would rather put into the most powerful office in the world, a man who has proven thus far to be a liar and a cheat rather than a man who has spent his whole life in the service of the same people who would blurt out "Kill Him" or "Terrorist" at a republican presidential rally.

Where are the voices of dissent? Where is the righteous indignation for this breech of American's trust and the systematic dismantling of the American dream. Barack Obama is not a terrorist, or an Arab, or a baby killer, or any of the thousands of other lies and misrepresentations attributed to him by McRacist and you know it. So, in effect, your lack of dissent and continued support for this monster makes you as guilty of depraved indifference as he is guilty of douchbaggery.

The best definition of racism I've heard is "having a higher threshold for the suffering of one group of people over another". Simply put, if Barack Obama pulled the same low-life tactics against McOldFart and his constituency you would not only have run him out of Washington but out of the country all together.

Why do you accept this behavior? Why do you support his hate and fear mongering by turning a blind eye to these tactics? Personally, the answer, as far as I can tell, is that your threshold for the suffering of those who chose to support the Obama campaign is higher than your own. Moreover, I don't differentiate between the crime and the criminal, the tactic or the tactician so I hold you equally responsible for your candidates behavior and the subsequent deterioration of our country's moral fiber.

If you lose this election, don't blame John McCain for running a piss poor race, blame yourselves for electing a grumpy, 72 year old, out of touch, racist to be your candidate. Blame yourselves for not speaking up against a social and political terrorist who would attempt to destroy another man in order to keep from relinquishing power to a so called "outsider" that you claim not to know. Blame yourselves for subscribing to the notion that Obama is not "one of us" or supporting the even wilder rhetoric of "who is the real Obama" despite his complete personal history having been picked through like a left-over turkey the day after Thanksgiving. Quite frankly, blame yourselves for being scared!

Post Debate Analogy...



Nuff Said....

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

eso si que es! By the Piers...

The city behind us...
The pier at our feet....
OHMYGOD is that a REAL BOAT? yessssss!

the devil wears prada... chanel, diane von furstenburg or any other ridiculously overpriced expensive sounding brand you see famous women wearing

I just finished a very shortlived stint as a shopgirlat a high-end women's fashion boutique.... from hell. I applied as a part-time employee thinking it would be simple, fun, make me enough money, and get pretty clothes as perks of the job. I had NO idea it would be as intense, insane and impossible as it was. I'm talking hard-core manual labor for 12 to 13 hour shifts days in a row for an hourly rate that I don't even want to talk about right now. Forty to fifty pound boxes up and down flights of stairs. Building shelves. Taking out loads of garbage. All to sell thousand dollar dresses, made in China, in the middle of an economic crisis, because Angelina Jolie and the immensely popular GossipGirl (which I still haven't seen) Leighton Meister, for example, are seen in her clothes.In fact, the whole store is built around that message. There are photos of famous people, with the designer, hanging up everywhere screaming BUY THIS DIAMOND ENCRUSTED FEATHERED BOLERO. Or, YOU NEED THIS SUNFLOWER LEATHER CUTOUT TIE UP JACKET. I mean, I know there's other shit going on in the world right now, but I just wanted to take a break from politics and rant a little about the ridiculousness of our celebrity-driven, homogenous, consumption culture. I like a pretty dress as much as the next girl, but I sure as hell am not gonna make a deal with the devil for it.

Dan Rather to Media: Wimps!

Dan Rather is feisty and firing off complaints against the national press like a drunkenly indignant Howard Beale.

No one is fearless, but fear shouldn't be in the DNA of an American journalist.... American journalism stands for clear-eyed, well-researched, know the facts, look 'em in the eye, ask 'em the tough question, don't back down, don't back away, just keep coming. That's the kind of coverage the American public deserves.


Fuck yeah Dan! Go get 'em buddy!

"First of all. these aren't debates. Let's get that straight right from the beginning. They are a something, but they're not debates. These so-called debates are put on by the two major political parties, for the two major political parties and their candidates," he added. "These so-called debates are not by the people, for the people. They are by the parties, for the parties. That's what's wrong with them."


Hell yes.

And just for good measure:

NY Times Discovers "Link Journalism" - Web Sighs, "Isn't That Cute?"

Yesterday, the Grey Lady, the Paper of Record, the brand that boasts "All the News That's Fit to Print", the New York MothaFuckin Times, FINALLY discovered link journalism.

See what I did there? I employed the use of link journalism while chiding The Times for just discovering it.

Next Week: NY Times Discovers "Social Networking"

Monday, October 13, 2008

Great Depression Brought "Fascism, Stalinism, & WWII"

Written on the cover in large and friendly letters were the words, "Don't Panic."

"Despite the financial losses everyone is experiencing, one of the most disturbing features of crises is the political fallout," warns Marc Chandler, Global Head of Currency Strategy at Brown Brothers Harriman.

"The Great Depression brought us fascism, Stalinism, and of course WW II. This financial crisis is of sufficient proportions that we should expect some political repercussions. Let's hope there are some lessons we have all learned."


Reporting by Tom Edsall. Full article.

National Review's Mark Steyn Babbles Unintelligibly

Mark Steyn has an article up on NationalReview.com about how Obama is ... well I really don't know what the hell he's trying to say. After thinking hard for less than a second Steyn drops this headline:

The Indefinable Barack Obama - Defined only by his vibe.


He's indefinable, but defined, but not really. He's like, both and stuff.

He spends the first two paragraphs talking about the oh-so-relevant Calvin Coolidge and haberdashers, then gets around to his point:

I bumped into two Obama supporters in St Johnsbury, Vermont who said isn’t it great that he's on course to win. Well, they were cute chicks, and I know an obvious pick-up line when I hear one, so I stopped to chat.


First off, I'll let the women handle calling these ladies 'chicks', for my part, I'll just post a picture of Steyn:



Oooh! Sexy. Very James Bond with a beard. And honestly, don't you think something a little closer to the truth is that every time a woman speaks to him she's really just picking him up? But wait, it gets better:

God Almighty, it was like reverse Viagra: After ten minutes of Babes For Barack, I never want to meet a female woman of the opposite sex for the rest of my life.


Reverse Viagra?! What does that even do?! Is it like a cure for Viagra overdose and three day boner?! Or does it turn your dick into floppy Jell-O?!? Cause both are AWESOME.

Traditionally, when an unknown politician emerges on the national scene, it’s a race to define him.


Totally, as a baby killing tax hiker when he's not being a secret Muslim terrorist - which is NEVER!

Governor Palin is a good example: within days, the coastal sophisticates were mocking her as a chillbilly ditz with a womb that spits out inbred kids


Wow, I mean, all I ever said about Palin was that she was stupid. But if you want to go there ...

That’s politics as usual: Define your opponent. But Obama is defined by his indefinability.


For the record: 'indefinability' is not a word.

Then he goes on to point out a bunch Obama negatives to the two women who were obviously trying to pick him up: Rezko, Ayres, Wright etc.

When I pointed all this out, they looked at me as if I’d brought a baseball bat to a croquet match.


Which would be pretty stupid, considering they are TOTALLY DIFFERENT GAMES.

As his many admirers in France would say, he has a certain je ne sais quoi. And, if you try to pin down quoi precisely, then they don’t want to sais.


Or in English: "If you try to pin down his what precisely, then they don't want to know.

Um ... Quoi?!?

Besides, said one of the cuties, it’s racist to try to link him to unsavory white men (Ayers). And black men (Wright). And Arabs (Rezko). And, just to be on the safe side, any dodgy Uzbeks or Papuans who might have been lurking around the greater Chicago area for the last quarter century.


See what he did there? He made the 'cuties' sound even dumber by tossing in Uzbeks and Papuans. Not only is Mark Steyn BRILLIANT, he's also HILARIOUS.

The ladies weren’t exactly covering their eyes and going, “Neee-neeee-na-na, can’t hear you,” but the other cutie did begin waving at me her Obama sticker — the one with the giant blue-frosted O embedded in a manicured candy-striped upland — like the villain in the movie trying to hypnotize you with his pocketwatch.


With this sentence Mark Steyn accopmlished something he has never done before: actually made one of his readers think. Namely, what fuckin movies does he watch? Cartoons? Really old ones? Movies he made up in his indefinable brain?

I began frantically looking around in hopes that a passing Hare Krishna or Scientologist type could get me out of there.


John Travolta is NEVER around when you need him.

But, no: Gaze into the giant zero of the Obama logo, the hole in the star-spangled donut, the vast fathomless nullity that is the gaping keyhole to the door of utopia.


The massive cave of Obama's soullessness and indefinabiity and donut flag logos.

The black hole of Obama will suck you in through the awesome power of its totally cool suckiness.


Steyn's overall point: Indefinable.

Basic Outline: Obama's Economic Recovery Plan


Barack Obama held a rally today in Toledo, Ohio, and laid out his economic recovery plan. Here are the four major points:

1) $3,000 tax credit to businesses for every new job created over the next 2 years

2) A 90 day home foreclosure moratorium

3) Up to $10,000 penalty-free withdrawal from retirement savings accounts

4) Create a lending organization for states and local govs. to access funds outside the frozen credit market

Obama's also got a rescue plan for small business, which you can download here. Here's part of it:

"The facility will be run through the Small Business Administration’s (SBA) Disaster Loan Program, which is designed to offer affordable, fixed- rate loans to small firms to meet operating expenses, undertake needed short-term investments, or to refinance debt. Loans should be available on an expedited basis, so that firms can access the credit needed to meet their operating expenses immediately."


This rocks. McCain's new plan, beyond sticking tax payers with the cost of buying up bad toxic mortgages, is to say "I have a plan." And like the "I know how to get Osama bin Laden," he knows a bunch of stuff, he's just not telling.

Friday, October 10, 2008

AP: "Palin Unlawfully Abused Her Power"

Shocking.

Here's the AP article.

Here are some comments from readers at HuffPo:

Gardinia: "MAVRICKY VERDICT"


LJWALKER: "Okay so the VP Candidate in 5 weeks or so has been found to be a pal of the Alaskan Secessionist Movement, participant in witchcraft protection rituals, unwilling to do interviews with anyone but Fox News or Conservative Talk Radio and now guilty of unlawful abuse of power but she is still considered viable?

Wow. Just wow."


binarystar: "How are they gonna blame this on ACORN?"


Bluedanube: "CNN is reporting that Palin is going to receive the Medal of Freedom from the Decider."


Budokan: "and a pardon...."


dentuso: "Dear Sarah,

Thank you for your application for the Vice President of the United States of America. We appreciate having had the opportunity to review your resume, and we were impressed by your experience in the field. We regret to inform you, however, that there were other applicants who matched our needs more closely. We will keep your resume on file should we find a position for which you are a better fit, and one for which you might provide a better fit.

We wish you luck in your endeavors.

Regards,

We, The People."

Petraeus: "We Have to Talk to Enemies"

Fairly interesting, just a few weeks after Sarah Palin called Barack Obama "beyond naive" and "dangerous" for advocating sitting down with our enemies without preconditions, General David Petraeus said the same fucking thing:


(Petraeus quote comes after the first question from the audience, about an hour seven into the video)

Right. Good call Sarah. Obviously you believe Gen. Petraeus to also be naive and dangerous.

McCain-Palin Are Dishonorable Sleaze

UPDATE THE SECOND: After posting the update below, I found a statement from McCain spokesman Brian Rogers which brings me back to the candidate vs. his campaign. Here's the statement which was actually issued before the rally where McCain told his crowd to calm down.

"Barack Obama's attacks on Americans who support John McCain reveal far more about him than they do about John McCain. It is clear that Barack Obama just doesn't understand regular people and the issues they care about. He dismisses hardworking middle class Americans as clinging to guns and religion, while at the same time attacking average Americans at McCain rallies who are angry at Washington, Wall Street and the status quo," reads a statement from spokesman Brian Rogers. "Even worse, he attacks anyone who dares to question his readiness to serve as their commander in chief in chief. Raising legitimate questions about record, character and judgment are a vital part of the Democratic process, and Barack Obama's effort to silence and shame those who seek answers should make everyone wonder exactly what he is hiding."




UPDATE: After I posted this John McCain held a rally in Minnesota urging his supporters to calm down.

McCain: "We want to fight, and I will fight, but we will be respectful. I admire Senator Obama and his accomplishments and I will respect him. I want everyone to be respectful and let's make sure we are, because that is the way that politics should be conducted in America."


Well done, but this "kill him" shit started Monday. It's Friday. Congrats John, you should be proud of your "respectful" campaign.


ORIGINAL POST:

I am willing to give the benefit of doubt to John McCain and Sarah Palin, allowing that they are good, honorable people who have for some reason turned themselves over to their misguided and hell-bent on winning handlers and campaign teams. But this week I am no longer willing to do so.

At recent campaign rallies both Palin and McCain have pushed the idea that Barack Obama is "Palling around with terrorists." If that's the case, then so was close friend to McCain's "hero" Ronald Reagan and former ambassador to the United Kingdom Walter Annenberg. (Keep in mind that of the four major candidates running for the highest offices of the land, only one is currently under investigation for ABUSE OF POWER - Sarah Palin)

The worst part of pushing this idea is that it has quite literally whipped up an angry mob which, in the past week, has called Barack Obama a traitor, a terrorist, and even gone so far as to call for his death, twice.

Were it simply one isolated incident, I suppose I can understand writing it off as a one-time fluke thing. Or even chalk up the non-existent McCain-Palin response to the fact that neither candidate knew what was being said. But that's not the case. And John McCain and Sarah Palin know it.

By not denouncing these comments, John McCain and Sarah Palin are complicit in advocating for the assassination of a presidential candidate.

This is not only sleazy, its flat out dishonorable, and dangerous. And it is astounding that neither the national press, nor John McCain himself, who was, presumably, at some point, an honorable and decent man, have not condemned these radical calls and comments.

This rhetoric and lack of response should shame every American, especially John McCain and Sarah Palin.


Actual Quotes from McCain-Palin Rallies:

"Kill him!"

"Terrorist!"

"Treason!"

"Bomb Obama!"

Pronouncing Words Correctly Is Elitist and Snotty

The National Review Online had two great little blurbs the other day discussing Obama's pronunciation of Pakistan. Here's the first:

The Hunched Pak of Notre Stan [Mark Steyn]

Re Senator Obama's ostentatiously exotic pronunciation of Pakistan, one thing I like about Sarah Palin is the way she says "Eye-raq".


Also the way she says Eye-talian. That's awesome. This is why Goerge W. is the MAN - he can't pronounce a fucking thing.

Here's the second blurb, an email to the NRO from a reader:

Running for President of Europe? [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

To: Kathryn Lopez
Subject: Liberal elite moment

When Obama says Pock-i-stahn I have an uncontrollable urge to read the New Yorker and find some Chardonnay.

Fortunately I have an old copy of NR and a Coors Light to snap me back to reality.

Seriously though — no one in flyover country says Pock-i-stahn. It's annoying.


Read the New Yorker AND drink Chardonnay?! Lemme guess, you also have a compelling desire to move to California, buy a Prius, and get gay married. Thankfully you had shitty and beer and worse reading material to prevent those effete liberal urges.

And you're right, correctly pronouncing the name of an American ally is not only silly, it's offensive to that country.

In closing, Fuck. Knowing. Stuff.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

CBS Dean Reynolds is a Wimp



So two days ago CBS' Dean "Wuss Bucket" Reynolds sat down at his laptop and posted a piece for the CBS news blog "From the Road". However this piece was not an in depth policy dissection, or even any new reporting on what candidates were saying, doing, lying about etc.

This piece was a giant sob fest detailing how he and the press corps weren't being treated to 5 star standards by the Obama campaign. Here are some quotes:

"Baggage calls are preposterously early"

"I ... idled for two hours in a Miami hotel parking lot"


He's also TOTALLY PISSED that the campaign is on the road during the time when the CBS evening News airs therefor cutting his own time on screen as the broadcast puts an emphasis on live reporting.

He also has no idea why the Obama camp can't print a schedule.

And here's the best gem:

"The McCain campaign plane is better than Obama's, which is cramped, uncomfortable and smells terrible most of the time."


Are you fucking serious Dean "Wimpyshits" Reynolds? Yeah it must TOTALLY SUCK to be jet setting across the continent with the next leader of the free world with all expenses paid not to mention being paid to write while you do it.

Beyond that, and this is the INFURIATING aspect, Dean "I Just Forfeited My Right to be Called Journalist" Reynolds, who some bigwig moron at CBS has decided is worthy of such a job, devotes his space on a website with a MASSIVE readership to bitch and moan that the Obama camp is not catering to him hand and foot.

I wonder if Dean "My Mother Still Does My Laundry" Reynolds has ANY IDEA that there are folks out there LOSING THEIR JOBS, and shitty jobs at that. I wonder if Dean "The Housemaid Wipes My Ass" Reynolds is aware of the fact that people's homes are being foreclosed and they now have to live in the streets.

So tell me this Dean "Will Somebody Please Cut My Sirloin Steak Into Little Edible Pieces" Reynolds, which smells worse, the Obama plane or the dirty cardboard box in the middle of an alley MILLIONS OF AMERICANS live in?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Debatable Humor: A Marathon Presidential Postmortem

Last night I joined GenEric, Wan Billions, Fink, and BreckBreck in watching the second presidential debate of 2008. While most of the poonditz thought this town hall style format was boring and uneventful, we found it to be the most entertaining and awesome debate ever.

The following are some quotes from the debate and our groups commentary on those quotes.

ECONOMY

Allen Shaffer (1st Question): "With the economy on the downturn and retired and older citizens and workers losing their incomes, what's the fastest, most positive solution to bail these people out of the economic ruin?"


Allen Shaffer: "How the fuck are you going to fix this colossal boner?

Obama: "And a lot of you I think are worried about your jobs, your pensions, your retirement accounts, your ability to send your child or your grandchild to college."


Bank runs, health care, whether I can afford PB&J sandwiches, sky rocketing gas prices, two wars, terrorism, America's diminishing respect around the world, Google ...

McCain: "Do you know that we've laid a $10 trillion debt on these young Americans who are here with us tonight, $500 billion of it we owe to China?"


USA: Um, can we have some more money?
China: Sure sure, of course, no problem, always here to help, how much you want?
USA: Any strings attached?
China: Nooooooooooo ...

Brokaw: "Who do you have in mind to appoint to Secretary of the Treasury?
McCain: "Not you, Tom."


Zing!

McCain: "I think the first criteria, Tom, would have to be somebody who immediately Americans identify with, immediately say, we can trust that individual."


... Jay Leno?

Brokaw: "May I remind both of you, if I can, that we're operating under rules that you signed off on and when we have a discussion, it really is to be confined within about a minute or so."


Brokaw: So remember gentlemen, these extremely complex issues on which the two of you have stark fundamental differences must only be discussed in the same amount of time it takes to microwave hot chocolate.

Oliver Clark (2nd Question): "Well, Senators, through this economic crisis, most of the people that I know have had a difficult time. And through this bailout package, I was wondering what it is that's going to actually help those people out."
McCain: "Well, thank you, Oliver, and that's an excellent question ...


Because it's exactly the same as the first one.

McCain: "... Because as you [Oliver] just described it, bailout, when I believe that it's a rescue."


Ahnold Schwarzenegger: "It's not a tumah!"

McCain: "I left my campaign and suspended it to go back to Washington to make sure that there were additional protections for the taxpayer in the form of good oversight, in the form of taxpayers being the first to be paid back when our economy recovers -- and it will recover -- and a number of other measures."


McCain: "Then I left Washington and restarted my campaign before any of that shit got done."

Obama: " If they can't get a loan, that means that they can't make payroll. If they can't make payroll, then they may end up having to shut their doors and lay people off. And if you imagine just one company trying to deal with that, now imagine a million companies all across the country."


Obama: "Now imagine a billion of those companies, a hundred gabillion, all across the universe. Now imagine John McCain naked. Can you really trust his old wrinkly balls? Obama '08.

Obama: "Now, I've got to correct a little bit of Sen. McCain's history, not surprisingly."


Obama: "Let's face it folks, he's old, he can't hear too well. In the first debate, it wasn't that he was being condescending by not looking at me, ever, it was just that he couldn't see me. He's like a T-Rex, except he can't see motion either.

Obama: "I wrote to Secretary Paulson, I wrote to Federal Reserve Chairman [Ben] Bernanke, and told them this is something we have to deal with, and nobody did anything about it."


Obama: "So instead of introducing legislation to stop it, cause you know, I am a LAWMAKER, I wrote another strongly worded letter."

McCain: "My friend, I'd like you to see the letter that a group of senators and I wrote warning exactly of this crisis. Sen. Obama's name was not on that letter."


Because you wrote it.

McCain: "Americans' workers are the best in the world. They're the fundamental aspect of America's economy. They're the most innovative. They're the best -- they're most -- have best -- we're the best exporters."


Nibb High football rules!

McCain: "And now I suggest that maybe you go to some of these organizations that are the watchdogs of what we do, like the Citizens Against Government Waste or the National Taxpayers Union or these other organizations that watch us all the time."


Like the millions of papers and magazines Sarah Palin reads but can't name.

McCain: "I don't expect you to watch every vote."


Thank God, cause that shit is BOOOOOORRRRRRRING.

McCain: "I have fought against excessive spending and outrages."


McCain fights outrage. Awesome. Something pissing you off? Well John McCain is going to whip your ass into happy complacency.

Brokaw: "We've run out of time. We have this one-minute discussion period going on here."


Brokaw: "Hot chocolate!"

Brokaw: "Health policies, energy policies, and entitlement reform, what are going to be your priorities in what order?"
McCain: "The three priorities were health ..."


Brokaw: "Christ you're old!"

Brokaw: The three -- health care, energy, and entitlement reform: Social Security and Medicare. In what order would you put them in terms of priorities?
McCain: I think you can work on all three at once, Tom.


McCain: "In other words, fuck your question Tom! I know you asked me a question, but I'm not going to answer it. Just like Sarah Palin. We don't answer questions cause we're the most mavericky mavericks in maverickland! ... Maverick.

McCain: "We're going to have to sit down across the table, Republican and Democrat, as we did in 1983 between Ronald Reagan and Tip O'Neill. I know how to do that."


News Flash: McCain Knows How To Sit At a Table!

Brokaw: "I'm trying to play by the rules that you all established. One minute for discussion."


Brokaw: "Hot chocolate!"

Obama: "So when Sen. McCain proposes a $300 billion tax cut, a continuation not only of the Bush tax cuts, but an additional $200 billion that he's going to give to big corporations, including big oil companies, $4 billion worth, that's money out of the system."


Numbers ...

Brokaw: "All right, gentlemen, I want to just remind you one more time about time. We're going to have a larger deficit than the federal government does if we don't get this under control here before too long."


Brokaw: "For the last time, hot chocolate!"

McCain: "McCain: Well, you know, nailing down Sen. Obama's various tax proposals is like nailing Jell-O to the wall."


McCain: And believe you me, I have tried nailing Jell-O to the wall, and it is VERY difficult. Not sure why I tried nailing Jell-O to the wall, but I did, and it was IMPOSSIBLE. Which is something I didn't expect before trying to nail Jell-O to a wall.

Brokaw: "Well, look, guys, the rules were established by the two campaigns, we worked very hard on this."


Brokaw: You guys agreed to hot chocolate, if you're not going to play by the hot chocolate rules, then by God NOBODY GETS HOT CHOCOLATE! ... Moving to health care.

HEALTH CARE

McCain: "My friends, what we have to do with Medicare is have a commission, have the smartest people in America come together, come up with recommendations, and then, like the base-closing commission idea we had, then we should have Congress vote up or down."


... What the fuck is he talking about? Presumably something like this:



McCain: "Let's look at our records, my friends, and then listen to my vision for the future of America. And we'll get our economy going again. And our best days are ahead of us."


McCain: And all you need is love. And let's get together and be all right. And ... Nibb High football rules!

CLIMATE CRISIS

McCain: "Now, how -- what's -- what's the best way of fixing it [the climate crisis]? Nuclear power. Sen. Obama says that it has to be safe or disposable or something like that."


McCain: "Safe, or disposable, or not toxic, or away from children or whatever.

Obama: "Because if we create a new energy economy, we can create five million new jobs, easily, here in the United States. It can be an engine that drives us into the future the same way the computer was the engine for economic growth over the last couple of decades."


Obama: "You know, John, the C-O-M-P-U-T-E-R. Internet? That email shit you have no earthly idea how to check?"

Obama: "He said a while back that the big problem with energy is that for 30 years, politicians in Washington haven't done anything. What Sen. McCain doesn't mention is he's been there 26 of them."


Oh snap!

Brokaw: Gentlemen, you may not have noticed, but we have lights around here. They have red and green and yellow and they are to signal...
Obama: I'm just trying to keep up with John.
McCain: Tom, wave like that and I'll look at you.


Brokaw: Like this? (gesticulates wildly)
McCain: No more like this. (continues trend of wild gesticulation)
Brokaw: How bout I just make a "kaaw" sound like a dying crow?
McCain: Perfect.

McCain: "It was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You know who voted for it? You might never know. That one. You know who voted against it? Me."


Republican Presidential nominee John McCain refers to Barack Obama as "That one" while jabbing a gnarled old finger in his general direction. No joke here, just, wow.

BACK TO HEALTH CARE

McCain: "And we need to do all of the things that are necessary to make it more efficient. Let's put health records online,"


How bout we start with putting YOUR health record online you old lying fuck?

Rest of the debate will be commented on later ... right now, after all that, I need a fuckin beer.

Thanks for reading,

-CB