Tuesday, September 30, 2008

MSNBC Obliterates CNN's Magic Board: John King Sad

Chris "I've got thrills running up my leg" Matthews was anchoring the post debate coverage on MSNBC from Ole Miss. He had some solid moments, like asking one guest, "Do you think he [McCain] was too troll-like tonight? Like too much of a troll? ... Like a codger?"

Matthews went on to ask if Obama hovers too much, and whether he's had a bad week in his life. Oh Chris, is there no end to your totally meaningless yet utterly entertaining punditry? No? Just checking.

However the best part of the entire Hardball broadcast was their "Virtual View" of polling stats.

CNN's got John King and his magical board of omnipotence, and MSNBC has ...

Some old ass empty room no doubt abandoned by the Greeks thousands of years ago? Wait a tic, that can't be right ...

Of course! An old ass empty room with a hot chick in red! Brilliant! Wait, what? I'm sorry? There's more?

Fuck yeah pedestals! Huh? Still more?

What the fuck is that? The polling numbers are surrounding red hottie! Fuck CNN's John King with his magic board - MSNBC has hot chick analyst with poll numbers that hug her! And to think I initially guessed this was just some old abandoned room at one of McCain's houses! Silly me, when will I learn that ...

MSNBC is the place, for politics ... and giant empty seemingly out of date rooms which are actually full of hot women and crazy virtual numbers.

Monday, September 29, 2008

An Open Letter to All Future Debate Moderators

Dear Presidential Debate Moderators (and all media in general),

In this topsy turvy world of infinite opinions and sources and studies, all easily available at the search of a google, and the click of a mouse, I have one simple request for you journalistic referees: Do your fucking job.

Far too often we see a news show report on a story, then bring on someone from each side of the debate (screamfest) and argue (yell incoherently at one another) over the best way to solve the problem (country careening wildly into the toilet). These two opposing views paint wildly different realities, citing their partisan research groups and providing the audience with wildly different numbers. The moderator then proceeds to thank both guests for appearing on the program and neglects to perform a moderators most basic function: deciphering facts from bullshit.

At the most recent debate, both candidates made exaggerations or distorted their own or their opponents record (The Washington Post 'Fact Checker' has McCain making 10 distortions to Obama's 4), and unfortunately for voting citizens and inquisitive people everywhere, Jim Lehrer never once stepped in to say, "I'm sorry, but that's just not true." Thankfully some news outlets will call the candidates on their crap after the fact, but this is not good enough.

Moderators know what questions they're going to ask, and have a fairly good idea of how candidates are going to respond:

Moderator: Dem Candidate, how do you feel about the environment?
Dem Candidate: I'm for it!
Moderator: Repub. Candidate, how do you feel about Roe v. Wade?
Repub. Candidate: Fuck it!

So, having a basic understanding of the ideological leanings of each side, and having read the reasonably detailed plans each candidate has laid out for the America he will govern, and knowing that your news outlet has literally millions upon millions of dollars to spend on this topic alone, and being a journalist and knowing exactly which research groups are right or left leaning or are strictly non-partisan, and knowing that most Americans have neither the time nor inclination to review claims after the fact, you Moderators, need to be calling bullshit on these pandering ass holes in real time. Period.

I understand the want of media outlets to appear non-partisan (even Fox News claims to be fair and balanced), but if you're going to be non-partisan, that means holding these ass holes to the truth. Remember those pesky things called facts? It's your job, Moderators, to both know and use them, in real time, in front of the candidates.


An Utterly Uninformed Non-citizen

Bailout Vote = FAIL

In case you haven't heard, the House of Representatives did not pass the $700 billion bailout plan. So naturally, John McCain's chief economic advisor, Douglas Holtz-Eakin, got on television and said:

"Today, Barack Obama's Democratic party failed the American people."

Here is the ACTUAL voting breakdown:

So, to be clear, Democrats and their leadership delivered roughly 60% of their rank and file to pass the vote, while Republicans delivered roughly 33% of their rank and file.

Had the Republican leadership (McCain) delivered just half of his party to vote for the bill, it would have passed.

However, it's the Democrats fault cause Nancy Pelosi gave a speech which hurt Republican feelings.

Friday, September 26, 2008

CNN's Ruben Navarrette Jr. is a Liar

I don't know anything about CNN's Ruben Navarrette Jr. beyond the fact that he is either painfully uninformed or has no problem peddling brazen horseshit laden lies to the American public (Note: it's probably both).

In a recent post on the CNN politics site, Mr. Navarrette Jr. writes:

"Despite having decried the economic crisis in near-apocalyptic terms in an attempt to lay blame on President Bush and, by association, McCain, the junior senator from Illinois [Obama] didn't feel the urgency to show up for work and try to do what he could to address it."

Wrong. Very wrong. And you'd figure that a guy who works at CNN, and presumably has access to that which CNN is reporting, would have seen this:

CNN's embed program isn't working right now so I just did a screen grab of some of their coverage of the emergency meeting President Bush called on the economy. Now, if you look closely, in the lower right corner of the screen, can you see who's sitting in on that meeting?

Barack Fucking Obama.

Nice try Mr. Navarrette Jr., you sorry excuse for a partisan hack, but next time you want to make wildly unsubstantiated and easily disprovable claims, I'd suggest double checking to make sure your own network wasn't already refuting them.

SF Paper Endorses McCain-Palin: Pigs Fly, Hell Freezes Over

The San Francisco Examiner, a bastion of thoughtless babble, has endorsed John McCain for president. Which I'm sure McCain would love to read, except he doesn't know how to use the internet and therefor cannot find the article.

After verbally schlobbing McCain's knob over his time as a POW, the endorsement goes on:

"He came home, completed his Navy career with distinction, and was elected to Congress."

Neglecting to mention that the honorable McCain maverickly cheated on then divorced his wheelchair-ridden wife who'd waited for him during his time in the navy and wed a beer heiress who funded said election to Congress.

"He has since been an unwavering voice for strong national defense"

Especially on the subject of POWs left behind in Vietnam for which he has unwaveringly blocked any and all legislation which would acknowledge their existence, let alone their service to their country.

"Domestically, McCain is unique in never seeking an earmark to benefit a family member, political ally back home, or financial contributor."

Like, for example, when Charles Keating, a multimillionaire Arizona banker and huge McCain fundraiser was being investigated by Congress for the last great financial disaster and asked McCain to speak with investigators, which McCain absolutely did.

"Ever the maverick, McCain selected Palin ... She has the instincts, temperament and backbone -"

Qualities Palin apparently does not possess: brains, understanding, experience, credentials, ability to give a coherent interview -

"... to help restore the Republican Party to its conservative principles and the country as a whole to those foundational ideals of individual freedom, equal justice and government that truly is of law, not of men."

Being the only candidate currently involved in an abuse of power investigation (which she has refused to cooperate with), and having campaigned for the indicted Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens, clearly, this woman has the moral integrity to right our sinking nation.

The paper then goes on to give McCain some friendly advice:

"Presidential leadership requires a steady hand, always, and McCain must lead from his head, not from his heart."

Example of a steady hand: Economy tanks last week, McCain says "Fundamentals of our economy are strong." Revises opinion to "If I were president would fire the chairman of the SEC" (Note: President does not have authority to fire SEC chairman). Re-revises opinion to "I will suspend my campaign and return to Washington until we have taken action to address this crisis." Lawmakers strike deal before McCain arrives, McCain then meets with president, deal goes south, no deal in sight, and McCain re-re-revises opinion to restart campaign and participate in debate he said he would not participate in until bailout deal was reached, which has not happened.

"He should surround himself with the best appointees available, then demand their candid advice."

McCain surrogate Carly Fiorina: Drove Hewlett-Packard into the ground as CEO, gets fired, leaves with $45 million severance.

McCain surrogate Phil Gramm: Calls US a "Nation of whiners", says financial crisis imagined, and is directly responsible for deregulation legislation in 1999 which plays huge part in economic nose dive.

McCain campaign manager Rick Davis: Owns lobbying firm which was 'consulting' for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac up until one month before they went completely bust.

McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds: Douche.

In conclusion, the San Francisco Examiner really nailed this endorsement. In the coming weeks, expect the paper to also endorse war with Iran, off-shore drilling, deregulating the health care industry, and eating your own feces.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

You're more qualified than you think...

The Governor of Alaska and Republican Vice Presidential candidate, AND hot-MILF-hockey-mom, Sarah Palin made it abundantly clear in her interview with Katie Couric the other night that she has plenty of foreign policy experience (as if there were any doubt). Her qualifications, according to her, is that she can see Russia from her back yard, a mere 58 miles from the Northern most tip of the state, and that if Russian President Vladimir Putin were to fly to the United State he'd have to fly over Alaskan air space. Well, that's good enough for me, sold! It did get me thinking though, if by merely being close to a significant landmark gives you so called experience than I must be more qualified that I thought to do shit I never thought I could do. And this goes for you too. Example: I grew up in Baltimore, (that's in Maryland), and from my back yard I could see Memorial Stadium and for all you sports nuts out there, that's where the Baltimore Orioles and Ravens played before they moved to Camden Yards. So, using the Governor's unique Palin-ocratic methodology, I am qualified to be a major league baseball player. Fuck yea, I made it to the big leagues, Dad! Or better yet, I can replace Kyle Boller as the quarterback for the Ravens.

Now, for all you under achievers out there, here's a little game we can all play, go out to your back yard and look around. What can you see? Now, look very carefully because according to Sarah, if you can see something significant you have experience in whatever it is that you're looking at. It's just that simple. If you can see a hospital then you're qualified to be the Surgeon General, (C. "See" Everett Coop, sorry I couldn't resist). Can you see a police station? Guess what, you have enough experience to be the Secretary of Defense and if you're one of the geographically privileged and your back yard faces your State's border, guess what you have enough experience to be qualified to do? Yup, move over Condi, you too can be Secretary of State.

You see my fellow Americans, if we simply lower our standards enough for what our elected officials are qualified to do then we can all hold a major office in the United States government. If that isn't a testament to how far our young country has come then I don't know what is. God Bless America!

P.S. On second thought, John McCain should have selected someone who's backyard faces 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Sarah Palin's Inexplicable Sub-moronic Drivel

Bob Cesca wrote a post yesterday detailing the McCain-Palin campaign's strategy to win the election - blurt out random crap (great piece, recommend reading). It appears that last night, in her interview with Katie Couric, Gov. Palin put that strategy to work.

Kouric asks Palin about the bail out, and here is the response:

"Ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy– Oh, it’s got to be about job creation too. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions."

Um ...

Fucking what? What the hell did you just say woman? My brain actually got smaller after I heard this. Seriously, Sarah Palin spoke, I listened, my brain recoiled in horror and shrunk, and I am now dumber.

Let's break this audacious idiocy into more digestible parts.

"Ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy."

What the fuck does that even mean? Call me crazy, but I think what people are concerned about as the economy bursts into flames and is promptly flushed down the toilet, are their mortgages foreclosing, or their credit rates spiking, or losing their retirement savings. Exactly how does health care reform (which to McCain means deregulating the industry - brilliant!) help fix the economy?

Second part of the answer:

"Oh, it’s got to be about job creation too. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions."

Yes Sarah, job creation good, wildly dangerous spending bad. I think my favorite part about this sentence (using a very loose definition of the word sentence here) is that "reducing taxes ... has got to accompany tax reductions." I think it's fair to say you can't have one without the other.

In conclusion, if you do feel like killing off some brain cells sans alcohol or other illicit substances, go ahead and watch Gov. Palin's performance on CBS. The random, inexplicable and totally illogical babble should easily put you in an altered state - in which you will need to be should this woman win the vice presidency.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Eso si que es! Mission Impossible?

Spending a sweet afternoon in the mission...

at the hot spots,

and the best restaurants.

Mmmm, cerveza!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

New York I Love You, But You're Bringing Me Down

As I was getting ready for SuperShuttle to pick me up for my 8:30am flight to NY, I was killing time on CNN. Not much better than Fox these days (maybe one day I'll rant about Nancy Grace, or, dare I even mention, Glen Bleck), but it seems our cable choices are increasingly more limited. Anyway. Live report, from JFK- the JetBlue terminal nonetheless (lucky me, that was my airline)- some genius thought it would be a good idea to pack his replica WWII grenades on his little Manhattan getaway.... consequentially shutting down the JetBlue terminal. Selfishly, I just wanted to know if my flight would be on time. Turns out, the damn things were PAPERWEIGHTS and the world can rest at peace because I got to JFK at 4:35 pm, as scheduled. More of my NY travels to come...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Eso si que es! Getting Closer....

Finally, the ocean.

Oh, it's getting really close now.

Yeah! The ol' "City By The Bay"...
well the edge of the "City By The Bay"...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Drill This Fuckheads

I am by no means an environmentalist. I smoke and toss my cigarette butts wherever, I litter, and I fart constantly (methane mothafucka!). However, I do know the difference between a solution to a problem and repackaged spin ridden talking point bullshit being passed off as a solution. In this case, the problem is America's addiction to oil, and the repackaged useless crap of a solution is offshore drilling.

The two big problems with America's seemingly insatiable appetite for oil are pretty obvious: 1) Most oil comes from countries/regions that can't fucking stand us and 2) US consumption of oil is totally fucking the environment in the ass.

So why, you may ask, is offshore drilling a bullshit non-solution? Because according to the governments own analysis, a widespread offshore drilling program “would result in a price reduction of perhaps two-tenths of one cent 18 years after drilling begins.” Put another way, 18 years after drilling starts, you might save LESS THAN A FUCKING PENNY at the pump.

Of course this is no matter to people like Glen Beck who call anyone who advocates against drilling an idiot because drilling is reasonably safe environmentally.

What is so INFURIATING about this is that this asinine argument, to drill or not to drill, whether or not drilling is safe etc., is the wrong fucking debate to be having. Either way you look at it, it's still oil, and consumption of that oil is still going to fuck the environment in the pooper, and we'll still be a slave to those countries that hate us for the next 18 fucking years.

The conversation that should be going is what are our ALTERNATIVES TO OIL. We should be debating whether or not using the world's corn to produce ethanol is a good thing considering the food shortage threatening nearly 1 billion people around the world. We should be asking whether wind generated energy is too sporadic and unpredictable, and would underwater turbines propelled by the always predictable ocean tides be a better way to go (I do happen to watch a fair bit of Discovery Channel). We should be considering new public works projects that provide incentives to American companies who devote R&D money to inventing, producing and marketing eco-friendly vehicles.

What we should NOT be discussing are gas tax holidays, windfall taxes, and OFFSHORE FUCKING DRILLING. "Drill here. Drill now" huh? How bout you drill this you brain dead lying fuckheads.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Be Afraid. Be Very, Very Afraid.

I am terrified, and horrified with the remarkable turn the public and media took when McCain announced Palin as his running mate. All of a sudden people are echoing words of the Feminist Movement-- excuuuuse me? Palin. Feminist. Same sentence? Same breath? I don't think so.

It's very hard for me to believe, and heart breaking, that there are millions of women voters who would vote for McCain simply because he chose a woman as his VP candidate. That there are thousands of Hillary-supporters who are now switching over to the other side. Now, i don't know how much of this is the media and how much of it is true-- I'm sure it's a little bit of both-- but can we PLEASE make one thing clear? Sarah Palin is in no way qualified to be in the white House and she is by NO MEANS doing ANYTHING for women or society. If she is elected she will literally turn back the clock and undo everything our mothers and grandmothers fought so fucking hard for.

-She is against abortion- even if you were raped or your creepy uncle fucked you and you got pregnant.

-She is against sex education in schools.

-She is against birth control.

Not to mention she also does not believe in the separation of church and state, or environmental protection. She doesn't even believe that global warming is man-made. And of course, she has no idea what the "Bush Doctrine" is.

Anyway... not to depress everyone too much so early on in the week, thought I'd end this on a laugh...

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Eso si que es!

Time for a MOVE.
The van is packed...
The car is packed too...
Ahh, the open road.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Gawwd! I hate my stupid ipod. All it does is play music (borrring) it plays videos too but it takes FOREVER to load them on. Why can't I just have a new ipod touch or nano? Then I would be able to watch all the new youtube vids and I could turn my ipod SIDEWAYS! Plus I could get a song when ever I needed it because itunes is like built in to them.

Also the new nano comes in my favorite color CHROMATIC, which is SO more who I am than my stupid boring black ipod.

And how am I supposed to know what to listen to? The new ipods have a genius in them that tells you the songs that best go with the one you are currently listening to– my music will so suck with out THAT! I want my own genius to tell me what to listen to!

When I shake my ipod all it does is keep playing the same stupid song I was listening to in the first place, but when you shake the nano it AUTOMATICALLY shuffles to the next song! I have to look and find the stupid next button AND press it, and even then I better hope it's on shuffle or I'll have to go ALL the way back to the settings and set it to shuffle.

If I were to get the new ipod touch and the new nano my life would be SO much more easier. Then I could truly listen to my music the way I was meant to and the way Apple intended in the first place. Not the stupid way my dumb ipod forces me to listen. Gawwd! How does Apple so know what I need?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Uppity: The New "Black"

Yo, yo, yo, a very, very special shout out goes out to congressional candidate Rick Goddard, former Speaker of da House Newt Gingrich, (holla!), and Georgia Congressman Lynn Westmoreland (he's so important he has three last names in one) for serving up some much needed humble pie to all us "uppity" black folk out there dat had fo-gotten our place herrre in America. Fo' real, it seems dat we have been way outta place by tryin' to ack all smart and intelligence so let me speak for all us black folks and say, "My Bad"! You see, after we was so graciously given our civil rights way, way, waaay back in 1964, a mere 102 years after the Emancipation Proclamation was signed, (sorry for using dem big words), we's been actin' a mutherfuckin' fool. We has been going to schools and lernin' how to read books and rite words and stuff and lately we has even been runnin' for the highest political office. Now, I don't know why we needs to be doin' all dat stuff because ya'll been taking such good care of us since ya'll brung us here 300 years ago and treated us so, so good. But that hasn't stopped some of us from actin', as you've recently and frequently put it, "uppity". And thank goodness that you're calling attention to this uppity behavior now before it gets out of hand, because you know us black folk, if you give is an inch we takes a mile. Before you know it we'll be questioning our leaders out loud and in public. Take that colored MSNBC reporter Ron "Uppity" Allen for example. He had the audacity to actually ask Newt "minority champion" Gingrich whether Sarah "I can field dress a moose" Palin was qualified to be the next Vice President of the United States. Oh Snap, no he didn't! This uppity behavior has to stop. Just because he went to school and got a job at MSNBC as a journalist (no doubt by affirmative action denying some equally qualified white man the job) what gives him the right to question this woman. I mean, she was the a Mayor of the 55,000th largest town in the country and Governor of the 47th least populated state. Qualifed? I think that goes without saying Mister-I-don't-know-my-place-uppity-colored-negro-man, and your press credentials should be revoked for even asking.

Listen up uppity black people! Let's not forget our place in this country, AIGHT! Now just because the law says we is equal, dat don't mean we have equal rights, you listenin'? We still have to know our place and realize dat we don't actually have any right to question the decisions of the government officials we elect. We have to earn it first, ya'll. Let's take Barack, Uppity-House-Negro, Obama for example. He thinks dat being raised by a single mother on welfare (of course), subsequently graduating from Harvard Law School (fo' reals?), being a community leader in the slums of Chicago, fighting for the rights of the under privileged, and at the same time raising a beautiful family (his baby momma is hizz-ott) gives him the right to run for President and question the qualifications and judgments of The Maverick. Who does he think he is? Well, Georgia Congressman Lynn Westmoreland summed it up best when he said, "Just from what little I've seen of Mr. Obama, (still not sure how he's missed him the last 20 months), he's a member of an elitist-class and thinks he's uppity". WORD to yo' mutha Mr. Westmoreland, well said! Someone had to put that Nigg.., eh, hem, uppity DUDE in his place. I swear, if we keep this uppity behavior up, we'll put ourselves at risk for having the Mexicans wanting to become U.S. citizens and then we'll all be sorry.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

F +

Today marks the deadline for budding filmmakers at UC Berkeley to submit their 5-minutes-or-less short to Campus MovieFest.

If you haven't heard about it, Campus Movie Fest is the largest student film festival IN THE WORLD. It all started about 7 years ago at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. A group of friends gave computers, camcorders and "training" to a bunch of students, had them make little shorts and then shared them with each other. Now a bunch of schools across the country are given Apple laptops equipped with iMovie and FinalCut Pro, digital camcorders and tripods, cell phones and 1 week to produce a short film about anything they want.

Winners get a shit load of prizes. And yeah, winning shit is cool, but what's even cooler about all this, is that thousands and thousands of original ideas get put out to the public. Stories get told. People get entertained. And no back-door deals, Hollywood budgets or politics are involved or necessary.

It's nice to get reminded, every once in a while, that creativity still exists and there are people out there who care enough to get it out there in the world. (Of course, PianoFight included.... by the way, have we mentioned our next wildly hilarious and entertaining and original and genius show is coming up this weekend? yup, thats right... get your tickets NOW and see you there)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

They're Effing Everywhere!

Nothing like a good ol' conspiracy to accompany your Thursday. Ironic it's posted on a blog within a network owned and operated by Google, wouldn't you say?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

What's the rush?

Ok, we all agree that watching reality television is tantamount to having a root canal performed with a rusty salad fork, right? I think it's safe to say that the reality television fad has run it's course and will no doubt be replaced by some other mindless form of entertainment designed to allow us to live vicariously through someone else's circumstance, no matter how ridiculous and staged that circumstance is. I'm still waiting to see "Raise my Newborn", a reality show about parents that give their newborn babies to "at risk" teenagers just after birth to show them just how hard it is to raise a child. It's like the egg experiment you did in health class back in high school, only now you're raising a REAL newborn baby. Now that's good television!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Traveling Is A Bitch

Over the weekend my luggage was lost for the second time. The first time was returning from Budapest ... I eventually got my bag back but it was beat up and shit was missing. The second time wasn’t even an international flight, and neither the airport nor the flight was busy, yet my ordinary, non-threatening, non-ticking Samsonite still managed to be unaccounted for. The Southwest baggage lady said that it was “probably” pulled for a random screening and then they just didn’t get it on my flight in time. But I still had to sign my stuff away since they hold no responsibility whatsoever.

Seriously, are we safer because of this? I mean, I don’t know about you, but the multitude of inconveniences since the goddamn threat level first skyrocketed, has only furthered any violent tendencies I may have had.

Sometimes it seems that somebody, the powers that be, literally sat down and made a list of every possible inconvenience for the common traveler and made those the official rules.

1) Make everyone get undressed
2) Randomly take people’s luggage to “screen” them but don’t tell them what happened to their luggage so they think it’s lost and don’t give them any guarantee that they will see it again
3) Say that real ids are not real IDs because that would be funny
4) Make everyone pay more for their airfare and call it “September 11 security fee” to milk that disaster for what its worth
5) Make people figure out how they’re gonna fit a week’s worth of toiletries in a 1-quart size zip lock bag

In fact, TSA head Kip Hawley, said in an interview last year that “Screening ideas are indeed thought up by the Office for Annoying Air Travelers and vetted through the Directorate for Confusion and Complexity, and then we review them to insure that there are sufficient unintended irritating consequences so that the blogosphere is constantly fueled.”

Case in point.