Friday, September 26, 2008

SF Paper Endorses McCain-Palin: Pigs Fly, Hell Freezes Over

The San Francisco Examiner, a bastion of thoughtless babble, has endorsed John McCain for president. Which I'm sure McCain would love to read, except he doesn't know how to use the internet and therefor cannot find the article.

After verbally schlobbing McCain's knob over his time as a POW, the endorsement goes on:

"He came home, completed his Navy career with distinction, and was elected to Congress."

Neglecting to mention that the honorable McCain maverickly cheated on then divorced his wheelchair-ridden wife who'd waited for him during his time in the navy and wed a beer heiress who funded said election to Congress.

"He has since been an unwavering voice for strong national defense"

Especially on the subject of POWs left behind in Vietnam for which he has unwaveringly blocked any and all legislation which would acknowledge their existence, let alone their service to their country.

"Domestically, McCain is unique in never seeking an earmark to benefit a family member, political ally back home, or financial contributor."

Like, for example, when Charles Keating, a multimillionaire Arizona banker and huge McCain fundraiser was being investigated by Congress for the last great financial disaster and asked McCain to speak with investigators, which McCain absolutely did.

"Ever the maverick, McCain selected Palin ... She has the instincts, temperament and backbone -"

Qualities Palin apparently does not possess: brains, understanding, experience, credentials, ability to give a coherent interview -

"... to help restore the Republican Party to its conservative principles and the country as a whole to those foundational ideals of individual freedom, equal justice and government that truly is of law, not of men."

Being the only candidate currently involved in an abuse of power investigation (which she has refused to cooperate with), and having campaigned for the indicted Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens, clearly, this woman has the moral integrity to right our sinking nation.

The paper then goes on to give McCain some friendly advice:

"Presidential leadership requires a steady hand, always, and McCain must lead from his head, not from his heart."

Example of a steady hand: Economy tanks last week, McCain says "Fundamentals of our economy are strong." Revises opinion to "If I were president would fire the chairman of the SEC" (Note: President does not have authority to fire SEC chairman). Re-revises opinion to "I will suspend my campaign and return to Washington until we have taken action to address this crisis." Lawmakers strike deal before McCain arrives, McCain then meets with president, deal goes south, no deal in sight, and McCain re-re-revises opinion to restart campaign and participate in debate he said he would not participate in until bailout deal was reached, which has not happened.

"He should surround himself with the best appointees available, then demand their candid advice."

McCain surrogate Carly Fiorina: Drove Hewlett-Packard into the ground as CEO, gets fired, leaves with $45 million severance.

McCain surrogate Phil Gramm: Calls US a "Nation of whiners", says financial crisis imagined, and is directly responsible for deregulation legislation in 1999 which plays huge part in economic nose dive.

McCain campaign manager Rick Davis: Owns lobbying firm which was 'consulting' for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac up until one month before they went completely bust.

McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds: Douche.

In conclusion, the San Francisco Examiner really nailed this endorsement. In the coming weeks, expect the paper to also endorse war with Iran, off-shore drilling, deregulating the health care industry, and eating your own feces.

1 comment:

GenEric said...

You didn't realize that we're in McCain country?