Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Debatable Humor: A Marathon Presidential Postmortem

Last night I joined GenEric, Wan Billions, Fink, and BreckBreck in watching the second presidential debate of 2008. While most of the poonditz thought this town hall style format was boring and uneventful, we found it to be the most entertaining and awesome debate ever.

The following are some quotes from the debate and our groups commentary on those quotes.


Allen Shaffer (1st Question): "With the economy on the downturn and retired and older citizens and workers losing their incomes, what's the fastest, most positive solution to bail these people out of the economic ruin?"

Allen Shaffer: "How the fuck are you going to fix this colossal boner?

Obama: "And a lot of you I think are worried about your jobs, your pensions, your retirement accounts, your ability to send your child or your grandchild to college."

Bank runs, health care, whether I can afford PB&J sandwiches, sky rocketing gas prices, two wars, terrorism, America's diminishing respect around the world, Google ...

McCain: "Do you know that we've laid a $10 trillion debt on these young Americans who are here with us tonight, $500 billion of it we owe to China?"

USA: Um, can we have some more money?
China: Sure sure, of course, no problem, always here to help, how much you want?
USA: Any strings attached?
China: Nooooooooooo ...

Brokaw: "Who do you have in mind to appoint to Secretary of the Treasury?
McCain: "Not you, Tom."


McCain: "I think the first criteria, Tom, would have to be somebody who immediately Americans identify with, immediately say, we can trust that individual."

... Jay Leno?

Brokaw: "May I remind both of you, if I can, that we're operating under rules that you signed off on and when we have a discussion, it really is to be confined within about a minute or so."

Brokaw: So remember gentlemen, these extremely complex issues on which the two of you have stark fundamental differences must only be discussed in the same amount of time it takes to microwave hot chocolate.

Oliver Clark (2nd Question): "Well, Senators, through this economic crisis, most of the people that I know have had a difficult time. And through this bailout package, I was wondering what it is that's going to actually help those people out."
McCain: "Well, thank you, Oliver, and that's an excellent question ...

Because it's exactly the same as the first one.

McCain: "... Because as you [Oliver] just described it, bailout, when I believe that it's a rescue."

Ahnold Schwarzenegger: "It's not a tumah!"

McCain: "I left my campaign and suspended it to go back to Washington to make sure that there were additional protections for the taxpayer in the form of good oversight, in the form of taxpayers being the first to be paid back when our economy recovers -- and it will recover -- and a number of other measures."

McCain: "Then I left Washington and restarted my campaign before any of that shit got done."

Obama: " If they can't get a loan, that means that they can't make payroll. If they can't make payroll, then they may end up having to shut their doors and lay people off. And if you imagine just one company trying to deal with that, now imagine a million companies all across the country."

Obama: "Now imagine a billion of those companies, a hundred gabillion, all across the universe. Now imagine John McCain naked. Can you really trust his old wrinkly balls? Obama '08.

Obama: "Now, I've got to correct a little bit of Sen. McCain's history, not surprisingly."

Obama: "Let's face it folks, he's old, he can't hear too well. In the first debate, it wasn't that he was being condescending by not looking at me, ever, it was just that he couldn't see me. He's like a T-Rex, except he can't see motion either.

Obama: "I wrote to Secretary Paulson, I wrote to Federal Reserve Chairman [Ben] Bernanke, and told them this is something we have to deal with, and nobody did anything about it."

Obama: "So instead of introducing legislation to stop it, cause you know, I am a LAWMAKER, I wrote another strongly worded letter."

McCain: "My friend, I'd like you to see the letter that a group of senators and I wrote warning exactly of this crisis. Sen. Obama's name was not on that letter."

Because you wrote it.

McCain: "Americans' workers are the best in the world. They're the fundamental aspect of America's economy. They're the most innovative. They're the best -- they're most -- have best -- we're the best exporters."

Nibb High football rules!

McCain: "And now I suggest that maybe you go to some of these organizations that are the watchdogs of what we do, like the Citizens Against Government Waste or the National Taxpayers Union or these other organizations that watch us all the time."

Like the millions of papers and magazines Sarah Palin reads but can't name.

McCain: "I don't expect you to watch every vote."

Thank God, cause that shit is BOOOOOORRRRRRRING.

McCain: "I have fought against excessive spending and outrages."

McCain fights outrage. Awesome. Something pissing you off? Well John McCain is going to whip your ass into happy complacency.

Brokaw: "We've run out of time. We have this one-minute discussion period going on here."

Brokaw: "Hot chocolate!"

Brokaw: "Health policies, energy policies, and entitlement reform, what are going to be your priorities in what order?"
McCain: "The three priorities were health ..."

Brokaw: "Christ you're old!"

Brokaw: The three -- health care, energy, and entitlement reform: Social Security and Medicare. In what order would you put them in terms of priorities?
McCain: I think you can work on all three at once, Tom.

McCain: "In other words, fuck your question Tom! I know you asked me a question, but I'm not going to answer it. Just like Sarah Palin. We don't answer questions cause we're the most mavericky mavericks in maverickland! ... Maverick.

McCain: "We're going to have to sit down across the table, Republican and Democrat, as we did in 1983 between Ronald Reagan and Tip O'Neill. I know how to do that."

News Flash: McCain Knows How To Sit At a Table!

Brokaw: "I'm trying to play by the rules that you all established. One minute for discussion."

Brokaw: "Hot chocolate!"

Obama: "So when Sen. McCain proposes a $300 billion tax cut, a continuation not only of the Bush tax cuts, but an additional $200 billion that he's going to give to big corporations, including big oil companies, $4 billion worth, that's money out of the system."

Numbers ...

Brokaw: "All right, gentlemen, I want to just remind you one more time about time. We're going to have a larger deficit than the federal government does if we don't get this under control here before too long."

Brokaw: "For the last time, hot chocolate!"

McCain: "McCain: Well, you know, nailing down Sen. Obama's various tax proposals is like nailing Jell-O to the wall."

McCain: And believe you me, I have tried nailing Jell-O to the wall, and it is VERY difficult. Not sure why I tried nailing Jell-O to the wall, but I did, and it was IMPOSSIBLE. Which is something I didn't expect before trying to nail Jell-O to a wall.

Brokaw: "Well, look, guys, the rules were established by the two campaigns, we worked very hard on this."

Brokaw: You guys agreed to hot chocolate, if you're not going to play by the hot chocolate rules, then by God NOBODY GETS HOT CHOCOLATE! ... Moving to health care.


McCain: "My friends, what we have to do with Medicare is have a commission, have the smartest people in America come together, come up with recommendations, and then, like the base-closing commission idea we had, then we should have Congress vote up or down."

... What the fuck is he talking about? Presumably something like this:

McCain: "Let's look at our records, my friends, and then listen to my vision for the future of America. And we'll get our economy going again. And our best days are ahead of us."

McCain: And all you need is love. And let's get together and be all right. And ... Nibb High football rules!


McCain: "Now, how -- what's -- what's the best way of fixing it [the climate crisis]? Nuclear power. Sen. Obama says that it has to be safe or disposable or something like that."

McCain: "Safe, or disposable, or not toxic, or away from children or whatever.

Obama: "Because if we create a new energy economy, we can create five million new jobs, easily, here in the United States. It can be an engine that drives us into the future the same way the computer was the engine for economic growth over the last couple of decades."

Obama: "You know, John, the C-O-M-P-U-T-E-R. Internet? That email shit you have no earthly idea how to check?"

Obama: "He said a while back that the big problem with energy is that for 30 years, politicians in Washington haven't done anything. What Sen. McCain doesn't mention is he's been there 26 of them."

Oh snap!

Brokaw: Gentlemen, you may not have noticed, but we have lights around here. They have red and green and yellow and they are to signal...
Obama: I'm just trying to keep up with John.
McCain: Tom, wave like that and I'll look at you.

Brokaw: Like this? (gesticulates wildly)
McCain: No more like this. (continues trend of wild gesticulation)
Brokaw: How bout I just make a "kaaw" sound like a dying crow?
McCain: Perfect.

McCain: "It was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You know who voted for it? You might never know. That one. You know who voted against it? Me."

Republican Presidential nominee John McCain refers to Barack Obama as "That one" while jabbing a gnarled old finger in his general direction. No joke here, just, wow.


McCain: "And we need to do all of the things that are necessary to make it more efficient. Let's put health records online,"

How bout we start with putting YOUR health record online you old lying fuck?

Rest of the debate will be commented on later ... right now, after all that, I need a fuckin beer.

Thanks for reading,


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