Tuesday, October 28, 2008

How to be 'That Guy' at a Metal Show

(This is actually an old post, but I'm going to Devil Driver tonight and figured what the hell)

I am not a huge metal fan. However, due to the fact that a number of my friends rock some hard tasty licks whenever possible, I have been exposed to the music, and the live shows are amazing. Really, if you've never been to a metal show, just go. The raw and pulsating energy is tangible in that setting. And once you're there, here are a few tips to being "That Guy" at a Metal Show . . .

Pre show: make sure you're dressed appropriately. Consider a friend of yours who loves metal, and ask yourself, how would he dress? If your answer was, baggy shorts, a black band t-shirt, converse, long unwashed hair, nose and lip rings, and a studded bracelet or two, you now know exactly what NOT to wear. Now imagine if one of your surfer buddies moves back east to become a fashion designer for Abercrombie&Fitch's new 'Surf Line' of clothing which they plan on marketing to underage girls in Norway. If this line of clothing existed, this is exactly what you should wear: bright colors, sandals, a funny hat and a big grin. Now you're ready for metal!

Now, if you have great friends like me, a ticket will be waiting for you at will call, courtesy of the band said great friend works for. While walking to the show, ahead on the sidewalk, you will see a line of die-hard metal fans waiting to get inside. They will undoubtedly be clad in the ominous clothing described above (NOTE: do not be afraid of someone just because he is wearing a black trench coat, this does not mean he is going 'Columbine' at the concert, though if you notice a lack of pant legs at the bottom of said trench coat, assume this man to be a flasher). As you walk by the long line of awaiting fans, pretend to talk on your cell phone, LOUDLY, about "Some metal show, no idea, never heard of the bands, but hey my ticket was free and I got a VIP pass," even if you didn't actually get it, and you've heard of all the bands (this will make everyone standing in line think you're a real swell guy!).

When you meet your friend outside the theater, it is in good form to take him for a quick drink before the show. I recommend the seediest most filth ridden bar of down trodden drunks you can find. For best metal watching mood enhancement, leave that bar blind stinking fall-down fuck you intoxicated.

Upon entering the show, stick close to your friend who actually has the VIP pass. This means he gets access to everywhere and, so long as you make sure everybody knows you are with him, by WILDLY GESTICULATING in his general direction, you should have no trouble going anywhere. If you get separated, not to worry, there is always a friendly face at the bar.

Chances are, after many trips to the 'friendly face', by this point you'll have to piss like a race horse. If, after urina-tron, as you are exiting the men's room, you notice a LINE OF DUDES WAITING TO WASH THEIR HANDS, exclaim loudly that you "Thought this was a METAL show, Jesus!" Then politely point out that they'll have to go down the hall to the LADIES room to buy TAMPONS.

If you still haven't gotten your ass kicked, chances are it's not going to happen. This means that you are now reasonably safe to enjoy the remainder of the show. After the show has ended, meet up with your buddy near the band buses, and when he invites you on to one, point, laugh, and throw up a limp wrested metal fingers at those waiting out in the cold to catch a glimpse of their favorite rock star (NOTE: watch for glass bottles or steel toed boots hurled in the direction of your face).

Upon entering the bus, graciously kiss everyone in the band's ass, AND anyone that might be in the band, cause really, you have no idea. Talk about positive things that everyone can agree on like the current election, or abortion, and ask for beer after beer after beer from the bands' stash. If a joint gets passed in your direction, park on it, smoke it silly, then pass it to someone who has to hand it back to the front man. If, for some reason, you have to pass it to the front man, bobble the hand off like an amateur. When the joint hits the floor, stomp it out to keep it from singeing the carpet. Also, be sure to take a huge dump in the bus toilet – BANDS LOVE THAT. And, if you can, start off conversation by espousing the musical merits of Amy Winehouse (NOTE: one front man totally beat me to it and immediately put on one of her songs).

If you can accomplish any or all of these feats, you are certainly on your way to being "That Guy" at a Metal Show.

* The band I got to see live and hang out with that night was awesome. I've met a few of them before, and they are all really great dudes, and unbelievably talented musicians. So, if for some reason, you happen to read this, thanks so much, and . . . Bruce Wayne is a fucking RockStar.

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