Monday, October 13, 2008

National Review's Mark Steyn Babbles Unintelligibly

Mark Steyn has an article up on about how Obama is ... well I really don't know what the hell he's trying to say. After thinking hard for less than a second Steyn drops this headline:

The Indefinable Barack Obama - Defined only by his vibe.

He's indefinable, but defined, but not really. He's like, both and stuff.

He spends the first two paragraphs talking about the oh-so-relevant Calvin Coolidge and haberdashers, then gets around to his point:

I bumped into two Obama supporters in St Johnsbury, Vermont who said isn’t it great that he's on course to win. Well, they were cute chicks, and I know an obvious pick-up line when I hear one, so I stopped to chat.

First off, I'll let the women handle calling these ladies 'chicks', for my part, I'll just post a picture of Steyn:

Oooh! Sexy. Very James Bond with a beard. And honestly, don't you think something a little closer to the truth is that every time a woman speaks to him she's really just picking him up? But wait, it gets better:

God Almighty, it was like reverse Viagra: After ten minutes of Babes For Barack, I never want to meet a female woman of the opposite sex for the rest of my life.

Reverse Viagra?! What does that even do?! Is it like a cure for Viagra overdose and three day boner?! Or does it turn your dick into floppy Jell-O?!? Cause both are AWESOME.

Traditionally, when an unknown politician emerges on the national scene, it’s a race to define him.

Totally, as a baby killing tax hiker when he's not being a secret Muslim terrorist - which is NEVER!

Governor Palin is a good example: within days, the coastal sophisticates were mocking her as a chillbilly ditz with a womb that spits out inbred kids

Wow, I mean, all I ever said about Palin was that she was stupid. But if you want to go there ...

That’s politics as usual: Define your opponent. But Obama is defined by his indefinability.

For the record: 'indefinability' is not a word.

Then he goes on to point out a bunch Obama negatives to the two women who were obviously trying to pick him up: Rezko, Ayres, Wright etc.

When I pointed all this out, they looked at me as if I’d brought a baseball bat to a croquet match.

Which would be pretty stupid, considering they are TOTALLY DIFFERENT GAMES.

As his many admirers in France would say, he has a certain je ne sais quoi. And, if you try to pin down quoi precisely, then they don’t want to sais.

Or in English: "If you try to pin down his what precisely, then they don't want to know.

Um ... Quoi?!?

Besides, said one of the cuties, it’s racist to try to link him to unsavory white men (Ayers). And black men (Wright). And Arabs (Rezko). And, just to be on the safe side, any dodgy Uzbeks or Papuans who might have been lurking around the greater Chicago area for the last quarter century.

See what he did there? He made the 'cuties' sound even dumber by tossing in Uzbeks and Papuans. Not only is Mark Steyn BRILLIANT, he's also HILARIOUS.

The ladies weren’t exactly covering their eyes and going, “Neee-neeee-na-na, can’t hear you,” but the other cutie did begin waving at me her Obama sticker — the one with the giant blue-frosted O embedded in a manicured candy-striped upland — like the villain in the movie trying to hypnotize you with his pocketwatch.

With this sentence Mark Steyn accopmlished something he has never done before: actually made one of his readers think. Namely, what fuckin movies does he watch? Cartoons? Really old ones? Movies he made up in his indefinable brain?

I began frantically looking around in hopes that a passing Hare Krishna or Scientologist type could get me out of there.

John Travolta is NEVER around when you need him.

But, no: Gaze into the giant zero of the Obama logo, the hole in the star-spangled donut, the vast fathomless nullity that is the gaping keyhole to the door of utopia.

The massive cave of Obama's soullessness and indefinabiity and donut flag logos.

The black hole of Obama will suck you in through the awesome power of its totally cool suckiness.

Steyn's overall point: Indefinable.

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